When jokes

When your gf tells you to treat her like a queen,

and then you remember you’re French.

What's the similarity between pedophiles and school shooters?

They both shoot when they see kids.

My elderly relatives like to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"..

They soon stopped though, when I started to do the same to them at funerals.

I was driving a car and a fat person was crossing the street. When I swerved my car to miss her, I ran out of gas.

Why do orphans become criminals when they grow up? Because they want to be wanted.

Today, I dreamt about giving head to Johnny Depp.

Then I woke up and realized that I forgot to roll my windows up when passing through the New Jersey Turnpike.

Kid: Mom! You lied to me!

Mom: When?

Kid: You told me that my little brother was an Angel!

Mom: Sooo?

Kid: Then why didn’t he fly when I threw him off the balcony?

Mom: WHAT!!!??!!

What’s Michael Jackson’s favorite holiday? 4th of July when they set off fireworks.

When your mom fell down, a 10 magnitude earthquake shook the Earth.

Organise my brother's bucks party and got confused when he asked for a hot 22 year old for I brought him 20 two yr Olds....

Good thing my brother's a little bit different.

Why were the Twin Towers mad when they ordered pizza?

They ordered pepperoni and got ✈️.

Right, I have a dog and his name is Syndrome, and whenever he is good, I go "Good Syndrome," but whenever he is naughty, I go "Down Syndrome."

When they say you live by the sword, you die by the sword, not in Paul Walker's case. He lived by the car, died by a tree. Well, I guess the car was stumped.

When you're working in the Twin Towers and your computer connects to the airplane wifi.

I just saw people writing "Zoophile," "Ailurophile," and "Dendrophilia" in their bios. I thought this was cool, but when I wrote "Necrophile" and "Pedophile," I don't know why people started hating me as if I did something wrong. I was just trying to be cool like them, man.

When God said, "Let there be light," He saw your mum and said, "Let there be dark."

How do you know Johnny Depp finished his meal?

When you see fifty empty bottles of wine on his front doorstep.

I was reading a book one day when I suddenly heard a sound. It was the Grim Reaper. I ignored it and continued reading my book. Suddenly, I realized that I was one of the main characters, which, at the end, dies.

I used to like fireworks, but I'm dead now. Fireworks look like a charm if you don't mind something a little ghostly.

What lies beneath your nose and is being picked on? Your boogers.

Your friend is so fat, when he took the group pic, he was the background.

What did the lettuce say when she is popping the champagne?