When jokes
A man was about to go into the bar with his dog when he realized the sign said, “No pets allowed!” He was about to walk away when another guy walked up with his dog. The 2nd man put on dark shades and said, “Just pretend you're blind!” He walked in with his dog, got a drink, then left.
The 1st man did the same thing, but when he walked in, the bartender said, “You know your ‘guide dog’ is a chihuahua, right?”
The man said, “They gave me a damn Chihuahua?!”
You should wear binoculars when calculating. It helps divide.
Q. What hits the ground first when falling out of a tree, a leaf or an emo kid? A. A leaf. There is usually a rope to stop the emo kid.
You're so short, when it rains you're the last one to know.
I was walking down the street when I saw my ex-girlfriend, so I fucked her. Turns out it was her identical twins that she never told me about.
And I decided to confront her. So I did the next time I saw her, but this time it was her identical triplet. There are 3 of them...
AND SHE NEVER BROUGHT THAT UP IN THE 7 YEARS I WAS DATING HER!
Why do orphans like cows?
Because when they leave, they bring back the milk.
When people tell me to "go to hell," I tell them their address.
You know when people say a joke about living?
That's because we are all living a joke.
Your hair is receding more than people do when they smell you.
When I die, I'll let everyone I kept dear lower my coffin into the ground.
So they can let me down one last time.
What happened when two invisible giants knocked over their blocks?
9/11.
Your mama is so fat that when she went to run in a yellow jumpsuit, the kids thought they missed the school bus.
Your mama is so fat, when scientists discovered her, they thought it was a new galaxy.
Your mama's so fat, when she stepped on the scale, it said, "To be continued."
There was a guy who got his whole left side shot off.
When he was at the hospital and he woke up, he asked the doctor if he was okay.
The doctor said, "You're all right now."
What is it called when a cop hides under his bed? Going undercover.
When you are being spoon-fed and your mum says, "Here comes the airplane."
The Eagles when they actually thought they were gonna win the Super Bowl. 😹
You're so poor that when you drink water from a cup, people flick a coin into it.
I wonder if any of these people are still alive.
Anyways,
When I arrived at the pearly gates when I died, the guardian asked me how I died. I told him I was just hanging around.