Whats jokes

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.

A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!

Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."

What’s the difference between a zit and a catholic priest?

A zit waits till you’re 13 to come on your face

What do you call a bear without an ear?

B.

What did the racist serial killer say to the cop?

“Wait, you’re getting paid?”

At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.

On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.

“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.

What did the salad say to pineapple?

"Lettuce be friends."

What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer?

I give a fuck if my computer crashes.

What do you call pedophiles on a beach? Pedos in Speedos.

What's the difference between cake and pie?

πr2, cakes are round.

What animal is best at hitting a baseball? -- A bat.

What's worse than ten dead babies nailed to one tree?

One dead baby nailed to ten trees.

Little Johnny was playing with dick when his teacher walked in the room. She asked him what he was doing, he said Im doing my homework. The teacher saw how big his cock was and asked him to have sex with her. He willingly did so. Little johnny was already 25 so it didn't matter. The only thing was that he was homeschooled.

What was the last thing going through the minds of the 9/11 jumpers?

Their ankles.

What do you call an old black person? Farming antique.

What do you call a depressed tree?

A wood cutter.

What would an orphan priest call himself?

Father Les.

What part do people slit the most?

Everyone.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding only half a worm.

What is the difference between an orphan and an apple? Apples get picked.

What's an orphan's favorite part of a website?

The homepage.