Q: What does LMAO mean?
A: Launching Missiles At Orphanages.
Whats Jokes
What is a pedophile's favorite part about Halloween? -- Free delivery.
What's the cool thing about bringing a pack of gum or a shotgun to school?
When you pull one out everybody wants to be your friend. :)
What did Michael Jackson say to the kid on his lap?
"You have a great singer inside you."
What were the terrorist of 9/11 thinking?
We can’t go over it, we can’t go under it, we'll have to go through it.
What is the most expensive haircut? Chemotherapy.
What is the difference between giving money to a prostitute and giving money to a church? You don't get something in return if you give money to a church.
what do you call a suicide bomber that loves water? a bath bomb.
You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed, but you only have 2 bullets left. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
What is the difference between climate change and the greenhouse effect, once a philosopher, twice a sodomite?
What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?
Their last big hit was the wall.
What's the difference between a rooster and a prostitute?
The rooster says... "cock-a-doodle-doo." The prostitute says... "any cock will do."
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.
What did the woman with no hands get for Christmas? No idea. She hasn't opened her present yet.
A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "Well... My oldest son just came out..." The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. "What now?" the bartender asks. "My middle son just came out." The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. "Again?" the bartender asks. "Yeah. My youngest son." He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. "My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls??" the bartender asks. "Yeah... My wife."
Me: If a skinny person goes skinny dipping, then what do fat people do?
My friend: Chunky dunks.
*on a date*
me - "I get to work with animals all day."
her - "How sweet! What do you do?"
me - "I'm a butcher."
What is worse than a dead baby? A pile of dead babies.
What's worse than that? The one at the bottom is still alive.
What is worse still? It has to eat its way out.
What's worse than that? It went back for seconds.
What do Catholic priests and JCPenny's have in common?
Little boys' pants half off.
What is the part of school with all the autistic people called? Downtown.
