Whats jokes
What leaves a bigger memory than a passionate kiss?
A stab wound.
What’s the similarity between a bag of chips and a gun?
When you pull one out in class, everybody wants to be your friend.
What does Johnny Depp do when his kids are not home?
Cocaine.
what do you call a suicide bomber that loves water? a bath bomb.
What's the difference between a baby and a salad?
Most people don't get angry when you toss a salad.
What is the most expensive haircut? Chemotherapy.
What did Michael Jackson say to the kid on his lap?
"You have a great singer inside you."
You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed, but you only have 2 bullets left. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?
Their last big hit was the wall.
A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "Well... My oldest son just came out..." The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. "What now?" the bartender asks. "My middle son just came out." The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. "Again?" the bartender asks. "Yeah. My youngest son." He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. "My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls??" the bartender asks. "Yeah... My wife."
What's the most played game in Africa? Hunger Games.
What do Catholic priests and JCPenny's have in common?
Little boys' pants half off.
What is the difference between climate change and the greenhouse effect, once a philosopher, twice a sodomite?
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blowjob.
Me: If a skinny person goes skinny dipping, then what do fat people do?
My friend: Chunky dunks.
What did Hellen Keller do when she fell in a hole?
She screamed until her hands got tired.
What's Al Qaeda's favorite football team?
New York Jets.
What did the woman with no hands get for Christmas? No idea. She hasn't opened her present yet.
*on a date*
me - "I get to work with animals all day."
her - "How sweet! What do you do?"
me - "I'm a butcher."
What is worse than a dead baby? A pile of dead babies.
What's worse than that? The one at the bottom is still alive.
What is worse still? It has to eat its way out.
What's worse than that? It went back for seconds.