Q: What does LMAO mean?
A: Launching Missiles At Orphanages.
What did Michael Jackson say to the kid on his lap?
"You have a great singer inside you."
What is the most expensive haircut? Chemotherapy.
What is the difference between climate change and the greenhouse effect, once a philosopher, twice a sodomite?
What's the difference between a rooster and a prostitute?
The rooster says... "cock-a-doodle-doo." The prostitute says... "any cock will do."
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.
What did the woman with no hands get for Christmas? No idea. She hasn't opened her present yet.
A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "Well... My oldest son just came out..." The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. "What now?" the bartender asks. "My middle son just came out." The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. "Again?" the bartender asks. "Yeah. My youngest son." He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. "My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls??" the bartender asks. "Yeah... My wife."
What is worse than a dead baby? A pile of dead babies.
What's worse than that? The one at the bottom is still alive.
What is worse still? It has to eat its way out.
What's worse than that? It went back for seconds.
What do Catholic priests and JCPenny's have in common?
Little boys' pants half off.