Weapon jokes
Do you know what's the difference between a knife and a girl's argument?
A knife has a point.
"Sticks and stones break my bones."
A crowbar does it so much quicker.
What did Pepper say to Spray?
"Hey Spray, I'm Pepper, and I think we should fight crime!"
Oompa Loompa Doobity doo, I got a glock and it’s pointing at you.
Where did Josh go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere.
Jason: Did you hear about the storm-trooper who attempted suicide?
Dave: No.
Jason: Well, he hit his first target.
A depressed guy walks into a utensil store and finds a knife, but he didn't stab himself... Part 2 coming out tomorrow.
What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?
Special forces.
Two hunters are walking in the forest together. Hunter #2 flops down, unconscious, and Hunter #1 dials 911.
Operator: "911, what's your emergency?"
Hunter no. 1: "The other hunter, hunting with me in the woods, fell asleep."
Operator: "Check if he's/she's (not assuming genders) dead."
*Operator hears a distant gunshot*
Hunter no. 1: "What do I do next?"
I gave a blind kid a pistol and said it was a hairdryer.
Why did the emo trade his knife for a chainsaw?
- To win
Someone at school judged my grammar.
I judged theirs by the terms "school" and "rifle range" being mixed up the next day.
Dark humor leave if sensitive: Wives are like grenades: pull the ring, and the house is gone.
A man tried to attack me with milk and cheese—how dairy!
I gave a blind kid a gun and told him it was a hairdryer.
I impaled my son with a pitchfork...
He looks very sharp.
What does a piece of gum and a gun have in common?
You pull one out, everyone wants to be your friend.
Officer: "Stay back soldiers, minefield!"
Soldier: "Let's clear the field!"
Officer: "Ok!"
*silence*
*explosion*
Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.
The first kingdom was quite rich and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy and sent only 10 knights, each with two squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight’s armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.
The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.
And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
What does a bad friend give a blind kid for his birthday?
Give him a gun and tell him it's a hairdryer.