My friend said to me, "How do you spell Tom?" and I said, "T-O-M-M." He said, "That's not how you spell 'it's Tom.' You have to take out one 'M'."
So I said, "But which one?"
My mom said the only way to cure depression is to do what she does. She's dead.
They call it the Cold War because Russia is cold in 2 ways.
There are three people on an island. One dies, and the second guy goes to bury them. He comes back with deer meat. The first guy eats it, but the second guy refuses the meal.
When the men return to the mainland, they part ways. The first man goes to eat the deer again at a local restaurant. He takes one bite, then jumps off a bridge.
In heaven, an angel asks him why.
“Well you see,” he answered, “that man was a tribal cannibal. Delicious in my wife’s meat, though.”
Once, I ate a skunk. It was hard because I didn't get it down the whole way.
Why do orphans play tennis?
Its the only way they get love
Why can’t orphans play baseball? Because they can’t find their way home
Some people think emo jokes are funny but I think it can cut both ways.
Jorden Calerendiá.
I bet you are a child molester who got out of jail and is now sexually harassing kids such as Addison! Will fuck off and get a life, by the way your roasts are not fucking funny they are bullshit like your face and your hairline.
What does a frozen loading screen and a Make-A-Wish kid have in common?
They both couldn't make it all the way.
Which way do gay men walk?
One Direction.
I was on a plane and my mom said, "It's just a little turbulence."
And I said, "Mom, we just got on the runway!"
Q: If an electric train heads south, which way does the steam go?
A: No steam.
I wish everyone spoke to each other the way God did.
What did Nemo say to the emo?
"Be careful, you can't Nemo your way out of emo."
Your dad went on America's Got Talent for "smoothest way to leave their child."
My wife told me to hang her the salt, so I beat the shit out of her. My name's Kyle, by the way.
Want one way to get a free haircut?
Call the cancer hotline.
Hugging Leo is a great way to commit suicide... you’d just drown in all her fatness.
What are four ways a condom is like a Republican elephant?
1. It stands for inflation.
2. It limits production.
3. It encourages cooperation.
4. It gives you a feeling of security even though you know you're being screwed.
