Want jokes

I bought a new shotgun the other day. Want to know what I called it?

Kurt Cobain's microphone.

Who wants to hear the biggest joke ever?

My life.

Why did the person peel his skin off? Because he wanted to.

Why do people name a kid "Rob?" Because they want him to rob a bank so they could adopt new kids to lock in their basement for a late-night toy.

Want to hear a joke about pizza?

Never mind, it's too cheesy.

Orphan: I want to kill my parents.

Random kid: I don’t think you have the facilities to do that, big man.

Why was one afraid of every number in the world?

Because ONE wanted TWO get something THREE FOUR FIVE at the yard sale, but SIX was not there. SEVEN EIGHT NINE as well. When all but ONE remained, it got TENse.

Want to hear a joke? Look at the Miami Dolphins football record.

I wanted to have sex, but I share a room with my brother, so we made a code. "Tomato" for faster, and "cheese" for more, and I shouted, "Tomato, tomato, cheese, cheese." My brother said, "Stop making sandwiches, you're getting mayo on my bed!"

Why did the rapper climb a ladder during his performance?

He wanted to take his career to the NEXT LEVEL!

If Slade were a vegetable, he’d be a BRUSSELS SPROUT... small, bitter, and NOBODY wants him at the table.

Why did the rapper become a chef?

Because he wanted to drop some HOT PLATES.

Why did the rapper become a pilot?

Because he wanted to take his flow to new heights!

Why did the rapper become a beekeeper?

Because he wanted to make some HONEY FLOWS.

Listen, Man United might not thank me but get the contract out, put it on the table. Let him sign it, let him write whatever numbers he wants to put on there, given what he's done since he's come in. Ole's at the wheel, man. He's doing it. He's doing his thing. Man United are BACK.

Why did the black guy cross the road? Because he wanted to.

Jump in the Cadillac. (Girl, let's put some miles on it.) Anything you want. (Just to put a smile on it.) You deserve it, baby, you deserve it all, And I'm gonna give it to you. Gold jewelry shining so bright, Strawberry champagne on ice, Lucky for you, that's what I like, that's what I like. Lucky for you, that's what I like, that's what I like.

-Tommyinnit

(I want to apologize in advance. These are very dark jokes.)

What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

I was going to tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead.

Why does Helen Keller hate porcupines? They’re painful to look at.

Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Boy: Mom, why are you drinking this disgusting red soup? I wanted salad.

Mom: Quiet, son. We only get this once a month.

Hello! I'm Taylor, and this is my life story with me and my ex girl. So when I was little, I met this girl. Her name was Leah. We were besties for a while until I turned 13. Then I asked if she wanted to date me. She said yes!

But one day, in the middle of school, she was talking to another man!!!!!!! AND THEY HUGGED AND KISSED EACH OTHER ON THE CHEEK!!!!!! Then, she told me she hated me. I was so upset!!!!!!!! Whatever you do, don't follow the ugly rat!!!!!!!!! <3