See, this is the best thing about no such thing as vampires because I'd be the first person to say drinks are on me.
Vampires Jokes
What's common in vampires and American kids?
They both don't get old.
What do you get when you cross a vampire with a teacher?
Lots of blood tests!
Why are vampires always sick?
Because they are coffin.
What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire?
One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frostbite.
Halloween joke:
What do you get when you cross a vampire with a teacher?
A blood test.
Me: *stabs vampire*
Wife: omg
Me: *beats vampire to death*
Wife: OMG
Me: What?
Wife: You're supposed to give them candy!
Me: Well, that's a sticky situation now, isn't it, Barbara?
Why did the Vampire put his son up for adoption?
He thought his son sucked!
A vampire goes to the bakery.
Vampire: "One bun, please."
Baker: "But you're a vampire, don't you need blood?"
Vampire: "Yes, there is an accident outside and I need something to dip."
Mommy, Mommy! Are we vampires?
Shut up and drink your soup before it clots!
Always breathing down my neck, my vampire girlfriend does not give me any space.
Do not ever make fun of people who look like they have no necks. They are fully protected from vampires.
I killed 5 zombies and stabbed a vampire with a steak, and then I started to wonder why they were carrying bags of candy.
Why do Vampires like virgins?
Because eating a sandwich would be so much more appealing knowing no one fucked it.
I tried to get my blood sucked by a vampire, but he said I was too empty inside.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit? A neck-tarine.
Q: How can you tell if a vampire is sick?
A: By how much he's coffin.
Every time I come straight home from work, you're in the bed asleep and back there dead like a vampire in a casket.
Then the next thing I noticed, you just came back from the dead in no time, dummy.
A vampire stalks you into a field of corn. The stakes have never been higher...
