Vampire

Vampire Jokes

Time

Every time I come straight home from work, you're in the bed asleep and back there dead like a vampire in a casket.

Then the next thing I noticed, you just came back from the dead in no time, dummy.

Stake

A vampire stalks you into a field of corn. The stakes have never been higher...

Bar

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks, “A Bloody Mary?”

The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water for me.”

“Hot water?”

“I found a tampon out back and want to make tea.”

Lesbian vampire

What did the lesbian vampire say to the heterosexual woman after she was done licking her pussy after she was done having her blood period?

"I will be back next month."

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  • Blood

    Why do vampires drink blood?

    Because they can't drink Bloody Marys because they are vampires.

    Bat

    Why did the bat cross the road? Because to get to the blood bar.

    Poker

    I aced my poker test...

    My teacher asked me to reflect on my work, so I got a mirror...

    A caffeinated vampire goes to sleep in a coffin...

    Do you get my puns? No, because you can't seem to get a grasp on how bad they are...

    Animal

    What is a vampire's favorite animal? A giraffe.

    What is a vampire's favorite fruit? Neck-tarines.

    Those two jokes are not funny at all!

    Cross

    What do you call a cross between a computer and a vampire bat?

    Love at first byte! <3

    Night

    The vampire was kept awake all night because of his wife's coughin' (coffin...coughin'...get it?)

    Bar

    A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"

    The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."

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