Every time I come straight home from work, you're in the bed asleep and back there dead like a vampire in a casket.
Then the next thing I noticed, you just came back from the dead in no time, dummy.
A vampire stalks you into a field of corn. The stakes have never been higher...
Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks, “A Bloody Mary?”
The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water for me.”
“Hot water?”
“I found a tampon out back and want to make tea.”
What is the favorite drink of a vampire? bloody mary
What did the lesbian vampire say to the heterosexual woman after she was done licking her pussy after she was done having her blood period?
"I will be back next month."
Why do vampires drink blood?
Because they can't drink Bloody Marys because they are vampires.
Why did the bat cross the road? Because to get to the blood bar.
I aced my poker test...
My teacher asked me to reflect on my work, so I got a mirror...
A caffeinated vampire goes to sleep in a coffin...
Do you get my puns? No, because you can't seem to get a grasp on how bad they are...
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite.
What is a vampire's favorite animal? A giraffe.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit? Neck-tarines.
Those two jokes are not funny at all!
Why can't vampires tell jokes right? All their jokes just SUCK.
What do you call a cross between a computer and a vampire bat?
Love at first byte! <3
The vampire was kept awake all night because of his wife's coughin' (coffin...coughin'...get it?)
Why did the vampire go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
How do you know a vampire's sick?
If he's coffin (coughing?)
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A nectarine.
What do you call vampire Matt Damon?
Bat Damon!
A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."
What do lesbian vampires say after sex?
"See you next month."
