Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.”
“Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”
What do you call a retarded three legged doggo heckin pupper monster? A 1996 Dodge Neon with a broken tail light cover and 166,748.46 miles on the odometer.
It could use a tune up and it needs a new transmission soon. New rear tires and a new radiator. Test drives with cash in hand. HMU motivated seller. Don’t waste my time and no lowballs.
My gun is like my house, used to be full, now it's empty.
Son: Dad? Why is mommy no longer with us?
Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Son: Why?
Dad: To get to the other side, but your mother only made it about halfway.
I saw a person raping a woman in an alleyway. I decided to help...she doesn't stand a chance between us.
What does Germany and the rest of the world have in common? They both use gases to poison one thing or another.
Many years of sex in the dark.
The wife finds out he was using a dildo. The wife gets angry and says, "Explain the dildo, prick!"
The husband says, "Explain the children, bitch!"
I was with my blind friend, and he's telling me, "Yeah, I can read braille." So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read, "Screw you, asshole."
I didn’t know if she was anorexic or not, so I tossed her an onion ring to see if she would eat it or use it as a hula hoop.
What’s the difference between a tire and three-hundred-sixty-five used condoms?
One’s a good year; the other’s a great year!
I saw a man trying to rape a girl. I decided to help. She didn't stand a chance against both of us.
Yo mama so old the carpenter uses her crotch as sandpaper.
The twin towers are like genders, there used to be two of them.
What do you do when your baby starts screaming?
Use more lube.
God: “Stephen, join us!”
*sees the staircase to heaven.*
Stephen: “Shit!”
God: “Steven, join us.”
*sees the staircase to heaven*
Steven: “Shit.”
What did Freddie Mercury use to improve his hearing?
Hearing AIDS.
How do trees calculate square roots? They use log-arithms.
I never knew how to use a boomerang, until it hit me.
I used to work at a candlestick factory, but only on the wickends! It was illuminating!
