Use jokes

I like my couches like my women... Old, used, and big enough to fit 3 men.

Three people explored the jungles, one was from France, one from Britain, and the other from America.

While exploring, they were captured by the tribe living there. The tribesmen told the three, "You three have invaded our territory, so we must kill you and use your bodies to create canoes. However, we aren't that heartless, so we'll let you choose your deaths."

So the French guy asked for a gun, pointed to his head, and said "Viva la France!" and shot himself. The Britain guy requested poison and said, "For the Queen!" and drank the poison. Lastly, the American asked for a spoon. The tribesmen were confused but still gave him the spoon. When the American got the spoon, he started stabbing himself, "Try make a canoe out of this one!"

What were Brian Cant's last words before he died?

"I used to do it, but now I cant!"

Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.”

“Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”

What do you call a retarded three legged doggo heckin pupper monster? A 1996 Dodge Neon with a broken tail light cover and 166,748.46 miles on the odometer.

It could use a tune up and it needs a new transmission soon. New rear tires and a new radiator. Test drives with cash in hand. HMU motivated seller. Don’t waste my time and no lowballs.

My gun is like my house, used to be full, now it's empty.

What does Germany and the rest of the world have in common? They both use gases to poison one thing or another.

Many years of sex in the dark.

The wife finds out he was using a dildo. The wife gets angry and says, "Explain the dildo, prick!"

The husband says, "Explain the children, bitch!"

I didn’t know if she was anorexic or not, so I tossed her an onion ring to see if she would eat it or use it as a hula hoop.

What’s the difference between a tire and three-hundred-sixty-five used condoms?

One’s a good year; the other’s a great year!

Yo mama so old the carpenter uses her crotch as sandpaper.

The twin towers are like genders, there used to be two of them.

What do you do when your baby starts screaming?

Use more lube.

What did Freddie Mercury use to improve his hearing?

Hearing AIDS.

How do trees calculate square roots? They use log-arithms.

I never knew how to use a boomerang, until it hit me.

I used to work at a candlestick factory, but only on the wickends! It was illuminating!

I got my sister a trampoline for her birthday, but she won’t get out of her wheelchair and use it.

Stephen Hawking isn’t dead, he’s just using VPN.

Your friend took a shower and used Pantene, but I got a watermelon to keep me clean.