I used to be into necrophilia. Until that rotten cunt split on me...
This boy was in school one day when he became desperate to go to the bathroom. So he asked the teacher, “May I use the bathroom?”
The teacher replied, “No, not unless you say your alphabet.”
So the boy said, “a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z.”
When he finished, the teacher asked him, “Where’s the p?”
The boy replied, “Half way down my leg...”
What does iCloud eat for lunch?
Your documents.
I got so bad about cutting myself every time I went to the bathroom, I wanted to break my jacket zipper off and use that!
Teacher: I used to be an orphan once.
Student: OOFT.
Teacher: Who are we missing?
Student: Your parents.
Yo mama's so fat, she used a telephone pole as a tampon.
Husband: Honey, do you want sex?
Wife: No, thanks, I have a headache.
Husband: Is that your final answer?
Wife: Mmmmm.
Husband: Are you sure?
Wife: Yes.
Husband: No doubts?
Wife: No.
Husband staring a long time at his wife.
Husband: Okay, I wanna use my lifeline to call a friend.
What kind of vacuum does an abortion center use? A: Dyson.
I've never been to Bradford before until today. While driving through the city center with my dad I asked, "Would you set up a business here?", to which he responded "No".
So I asked "Why not, you'd make us rich!", He gave me a confused face and asked, "How so?".
So I said, "Because sales would be fucking booming!"
I know, it's an awful joke.
What type of tape do kidnappers use?
Abduct-Tape.
What happens if the dumbest person from Europe goes to the US?
The average IQ increases in both places.
What are intelligent people in the US called?
"Tourist."
clarissa is here is here with us
How do we get a butt? God made us like that, and we can't change it. If you wanted to, you have to die <:
Me: I know how to use a microwave!
Also me: Mom! The microwave is on fire!
Setting: Funeral Home
Customer: Yes, I was considering what would be the best option for cheap cremation, but I feel that's silly to ask.
Funeral Director: Oh! We do have these nice urns over here at a discounted 75 percent off.
Customer: Okay? What's the catch? That's almost 300 dollars off?
Funeral Director: I assure you these are top-of-the-line urns and will keep your loved ones' remains secure and dry.
Customer: Okay?
Funeral Director: Yep, these have only been used once, so it is absolutely worth the purchase.
By: MiniMemorials.com
The other day my friend messaged me saying, "bro I have two pieces of bad news for you." I told him to combine them. He replied with, "your girlfriend is cheating on both of us."
What operating system do Indian scammers use?
"Window licker XP."
Do you know where priests go at night?
To all night sale at Boys R Us.
Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture?
A: One uses one nail to hang.
