Ups jokes
The terrorists said over the intercom, "We're coming up to our destination, so we can't go over it, we can't go under, we have to go through it."
I'd mop the floor with your face, but you might just mess it up more.
Why do Indian people have bad tempers? Because when they were growing up, their parents told them they couldn't have a cow, so they threw a tantrum instead.
I broke up with my boyfriend and stole his wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back?
Have you ever heard of horchata? Horchata, fuck up!
When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to just cheer up, god damn, why didn't I think of that?
I don't want to die alone... That is why I am working my way up to become a suicide bomber!
Me and my friend roasting each other.
Him: Your dad dropped you on purpose, but my dad dropped me by accident.
Me: But after dropping you, he never picked you up.
You're so ugly and fat, and you're so lazy you can't even get your ass up and walk.
Speak to your dad before I put my hand up your ass!
Why do orphans like Minecraft? So they can build a home...
But a creeper blows it up.
Pop-up. P
A kindergarten teacher was telling a story...
A kindergarten teacher was telling a story about a farmer walking around the farm talking to the animals. She was trying to get the kids to interact, speak up, and to use their imaginations.
"Mister Farmer stopped at the cow, and the cow said 'Morning, Mister Farmer!'. Susie, what do you thing the farmer said next?"
Susie says "He said 'Good morning Mrs. Cow!'"
"Mister Farmer stopped at the pig next, and the pig said 'Good morning, Mister Farmer!'. Johnny, what do you thing the farmer said next?"
Johnny says "He said 'Good morning Mr. Pig!'"
"Mister Farmer stopped at the chicken, and the Chicken said 'Morning, Mister Farmer!'. Billy, what do you thing the farmer said next?"
Billy says "The farmer said 'Holy shit, that chicken is fucking talking!'"
We sped up the cycle of life and death, we gave Eric and Dylan a shortcut.
I asked an American if their national anthem was "Pumped Up Kicks."
Why is Stephen Hawking not scared of anyone?
His wheelchair always backs him up.
If you look up the word "wheelchair" in a dictionary, you will see a picture of Stephen Hawking.
Why is he called Stephen Hawking?
Because he is always trying to hawk up phlegm to clear his throat.
What’s the worst song to play in front of a vegetable? “James Brown - Get on Up”
What’s the worst song to play in front of a handicapped kid? “Van Halen - Jump”
What's the worst song to play in front of a black man in Minneapolis? “I Can't Breathe - Juice Wrld”
My friend's 4-year-old daughter made up this joke.
What kind of poo should you put in your hair?
Shampoo.