Uncle Jokes

I hooked up with the groom at my uncle's wedding.

My uncle died in the 9/11 attacks. He was the best pilot I had ever met.

Why was the baby ant confused?

Because its uncles were all aunts!

Kid's uncle: "Your mum said you can have your friends round tonight! But I'm gonna have to baby sit today."

Kid: "OK THANK YOU."

(AT BED TIME)

Kid: "Please may you stop touching my leg BEN!"

Ben: "I'm not."

(Turns light on) Kid: "UNCLEEEEE STOP SPILLING MILK OVER ME!!!"

Dad: My kid just said "butch," but since he is a kid, he said a bad word on accident.

*The next day*

Uncle: F*CK!

The last time I had flying lessons, I hit some building in Manhattan. Then my Uncle got shot in 2008. Darn...

My uncle got really badly burned the other day.

They don't fuck around at the crematorium.

I remember my uncle's last words:

"I don't think we're going shooting today."

I will always remember my uncle's last words, "What's the shovel for?"

My girlfriend asked me if we could have anal sex, and I said, "What's that?" She said, "I fuck her ass." I said, "Oh, my uncle calls that shhhhh."

Watching "50 Shades of Grey" was more painful than my uncle fisting me as a kid.

Guess what I got from my uncle this Christmas? Herpes.

So there's this uncle of female and male twins, and his sister, the mother of the twins, is stuck trying to think of a name for the children. The uncle says, "I've got an idea!", and the mother gets excited, thinking this could be it. She says, "What should their names be?"

The uncle replies, "Well for your daughter, Denise." "That's a nice name," comments the mother, "but what about my son?" The uncle simply replies, "Denephew".

I asked my uncle why he was living on the streets.

He said that he wasn't always on the streets, he used to have a job at these two towers. I asked him what happened, and he said two planes happened.

My uncle got sued from NASA the other day. He claimed to be the first one to enter Uranus.

What’s the similarity between your uncle and your hands?

They can both do dirty things.

What's the most between my uncle and aunt?

My aunt waited until I was 14 to come on my face.

One day, little Sally hears the phone ringing. She picks it up.

"Hello, this is daddy, Sally. Is your mom nearby?"

Sally says, "No, she's upstairs with Uncle John."

"Uncle John? I don't know an Uncle John."

"No, no, no, you must be mistaken, daddy."

"No, I'm sure there's no one named Uncle John in our family."

"Okay, but why did you call?" Says Sally.

"Ummm, no reason, just tell mommy that daddy's pulling into the driveway right now."

"Okay daddy!"

*long pause*

"Okay daddy! I did it!"

"Great job Sally! What did she say?"

"Mommy said OH FU.. and then she ran around with no clothes on and tripped on the carpet and hit her head on the bookshelf. She's now resting it looks like... then Uncle John screams and jumps out the window into the swimming pool, but of course we took all the water out this winter..."

Then dad replies "Swimming pool? We don't have a... is this 468-1843?"

My departed uncle was a circus clown before he died.

So all his friends came in one car.

I can barely remember the last words my uncle told me.

"Let go of my nose!"