Uncle jokes
What do a blackjack dealer and my uncle have in common?
They both hit me face down on the table.
Why was the ant so confused?
All of its uncles were ants.
Dear uncle, I want my condoms.
I hooked up with the groom at my uncle's wedding.
My uncle died in the 9/11 attacks. He was the best pilot I had ever met.
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because its uncles were all aunts!
Kid's uncle: "Your mum said you can have your friends round tonight! But I'm gonna have to baby sit today."
Kid: "OK THANK YOU."
(AT BED TIME)
Kid: "Please may you stop touching my leg BEN!"
Ben: "I'm not."
(Turns light on) Kid: "UNCLEEEEE STOP SPILLING MILK OVER ME!!!"
Dad: My kid just said "butch," but since he is a kid, he said a bad word on accident.
*The next day*
Uncle: F*CK!
The last time I had flying lessons, I hit some building in Manhattan. Then my Uncle got shot in 2008. Darn...
My uncle got really badly burned the other day.
They don't fuck around at the crematorium.
I remember my uncle's last words:
"I don't think we're going shooting today."
I will always remember my uncle's last words, "What's the shovel for?"
My girlfriend asked me if we could have anal sex, and I said, "What's that?" She said, "I fuck her ass." I said, "Oh, my uncle calls that shhhhh."
Watching "50 Shades of Grey" was more painful than my uncle fisting me as a kid.
Guess what I got from my uncle this Christmas? Herpes.
So there's this uncle of female and male twins, and his sister, the mother of the twins, is stuck trying to think of a name for the children. The uncle says, "I've got an idea!", and the mother gets excited, thinking this could be it. She says, "What should their names be?"
The uncle replies, "Well for your daughter, Denise." "That's a nice name," comments the mother, "but what about my son?" The uncle simply replies, "Denephew".
I asked my uncle why he was living on the streets.
He said that he wasn't always on the streets, he used to have a job at these two towers. I asked him what happened, and he said two planes happened.
My uncle got sued from NASA the other day. He claimed to be the first one to enter Uranus.
What’s the similarity between your uncle and your hands?
They can both do dirty things.
What's the most between my uncle and aunt?
My aunt waited until I was 14 to come on my face.