Two jokes
What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?
A kitchen chair! Your momma sits in it for lunch, and your dad only manages to reattach one of the two legs that broke off by evening.
What has two wings and an arrow?
A Chinese telephone. "Wing Wing Arrow!"
It takes a lot of trust for two cannibals to gluck gluck each other. You never know when it's goodbye willy.
How do you break up two blind guys fighting?
Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"
Tuesday, I was looking at my family tree, and two dogs were using it.
I went to a restaurant and a waiter took my order. She had two black eyes, so I ordered real slow.
Because obviously she doesn’t listen.
What do Drew Bledsoe and the Twin Towers have in common?
They both got taken out by two jets.
Me: What has two legs and bleeds?
Friend: Um, women? Obviously?
Me: Actually, half a dog. So you're still right.
Woman: I want a man who is 6 feet and 6 inches.
Man: Is 6 feet and 6 inches one thing or two?
Woman: Two, I want a man who is 6 feet and also is 6 inches.
Man: Shit!
How do you break up a fight between two gay men?
Say, "Can you get straight to the point?"
I tried having a three-way with two physicists, but they couldn't solve the three-body problem.
This guy goes to the doctor and says, “I think I’m a wigwam, no, I think I’m a teepee, no, I must be a wigwam, no, a teepee.”
The doctor tells him, “I think I understand your problem. You’re two tents.”
Two fish in a bowl. First fish asks, "Haven't I seen you around here before?"
The second fish replies, "F**k me, a talking fish!"
I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.
What is the similarity between math and buildings?
Two parallel lines can be intersected by a plane.
I saw two really tall guys. I walked up and said, "I didn't know we still have the Twin Towers!"
God needed an extra two hands to make your fat ass of a mother.
If I had kept all my two cents to myself, I'd have enough money to publish my own newspaper now.
What has 4 legs and two gloves?
All five people on my baseball team. ⚾️
Two gays are getting ready for Christmas... They are expecting a big package in the mail!