Two jokes
I went to a restaurant and a waiter took my order. She had two black eyes, so I ordered real slow.
Because obviously she doesn’t listen.
What do Drew Bledsoe and the Twin Towers have in common?
They both got taken out by two jets.
Me: What has two legs and bleeds?
Friend: Um, women? Obviously?
Me: Actually, half a dog. So you're still right.
Woman: I want a man who is 6 feet and 6 inches.
Man: Is 6 feet and 6 inches one thing or two?
Woman: Two, I want a man who is 6 feet and also is 6 inches.
Man: Shit!
If I had kept all my two cents to myself, I'd have enough money to publish my own newspaper now.
I saw two deaf people talking shit about me in sign language.
So I turned off the lights.
What has two wings and an arrow?
A Chinese telephone. "Wing Wing Arrow!"
What did one sperm say to the other while swimming side by side?
One turns to the other and asks, "How much further to the fallopian tubes?"
The other says, "I’m not sure, we just passed the esophagus."
What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?
A kitchen chair! Your momma sits in it for lunch, and your dad only manages to reattach one of the two legs that broke off by evening.
Unfortunately, I had bad luck and faced infidelity.
Picture this: the bedroom door opens and I see my girlfriend in bed with two men...
I didn’t expect her to come back so early.
Why can't Chinese people have white babies? Because two wrongs don't make a white.
Columbine High basketball team will never be good again after they lost their two best shooters.
God needed an extra two hands to make your fat ass of a mother.
I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!
What do you call two Hispanics with Parkinson's disease?
Maracas.
What is the similarity between math and buildings?
Two parallel lines can be intersected by a plane.
It takes a lot of trust for two cannibals to gluck gluck each other. You never know when it's goodbye willy.
How do you break up a fight between two gay men?
Say, "Can you get straight to the point?"
Ur mama so fat she needs two watches because she's in different time zones.
When I see two lovers' names on a tree, I don’t find it cute or funny. I think, why would they be bringing a knife on a date?