Two jokes

The doctor said I had two years to live, so I shot him. The warden gave me 50. Problem solved!

Why are the two friends like the Twin Towers?

They fell apart.

Q: What do you call a blonde with only two brain cells?

A: Pregnant.

Two friends fighting.

Friend 3: "Cut it out, you two!"

Friend 4: "It wouldn't help if they cut it out... Believe me... I've tried..."

Someone in the Twin Towers ordered two pizzas, plane?

Last night I shared a bed with two of my friends because we were in a small hotel. We had strange dreams last night.

My friend on the left dreamed of getting a handjob.

So did my friend on the right.

I had a dream of skiing.

What is the difference between the Twin Towers and the Leaning Tower of Pizza?

One held its balance, the other two fell.

There's two reasons guys will hang themselves from the neck.

One is to escape the worthless masquerade of a life we pretend we have, and the second reason is to whack off.

What is it called when two Mexicans play basketball?

Juan on Juan.

What are two things that an orphan can’t have?

Two parents.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two!

How much drugs did Charlie Sheen take?

Enough to kill two and a half men.

I saw two really tall guys. I walked up and said, "I didn't know we still have the Twin Towers!"

Tuesday, I was looking at my family tree, and two dogs were using it.

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

I went to a restaurant and a waiter took my order. She had two black eyes, so I ordered real slow.

Because obviously she doesn’t listen.

It takes a lot of trust for two cannibals to gluck gluck each other. You never know when it's goodbye willy.

Woman: I want a man who is 6 feet and 6 inches.

Man: Is 6 feet and 6 inches one thing or two?

Woman: Two, I want a man who is 6 feet and also is 6 inches.

Man: Shit!

How do you break up a fight between two gay men?

Say, "Can you get straight to the point?"

What do Drew Bledsoe and the Twin Towers have in common?

They both got taken out by two jets.