Two jokes

A young couple gets banned from church.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then he asks the middle-aged couple the same question, "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me! I took her right there."

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"We understand," says the husband, "We were banned from the grocery store, too."

There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night, they decide they don't like living in an asylum anymore. They decide they're going to escape!

So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make the leap. You see... You see, he's afraid of falling.

So then, the first guy has an idea... He says "Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!" B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says "Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!"

Unfortunately, I had bad luck and faced infidelity.

Picture this: the bedroom door opens and I see my girlfriend in bed with two men...

I didn’t expect her to come back so early.

What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?

A kitchen chair! Your momma sits in it for lunch, and your dad only manages to reattach one of the two legs that broke off by evening.

I tried having a three-way with two physicists, but they couldn't solve the three-body problem.

Your mama is so fat, she needs two phones to take a picture of herself.

God needed an extra two hands to make your fat ass of a mother.

If I had kept all my two cents to myself, I'd have enough money to publish my own newspaper now.

What do you call two Hispanics with Parkinson's disease?

Maracas.

What is the similarity between math and buildings?

Two parallel lines can be intersected by a plane.

What do Drew Bledsoe and the Twin Towers have in common?

They both got taken out by two jets.

Me: What has two legs and bleeds?

Friend: Um, women? Obviously?

Me: Actually, half a dog. So you're still right.

Woman: I want a man who is 6 feet and 6 inches.

Man: Is 6 feet and 6 inches one thing or two?

Woman: Two, I want a man who is 6 feet and also is 6 inches.

Man: Shit!

How do you break up a fight between two gay men?

Say, "Can you get straight to the point?"

Tuesday, I was looking at my family tree, and two dogs were using it.

Why do women have two sets of lips?

I kiss both.

Columbine High basketball team will never be good again after they lost their two best shooters.

Why can't Chinese people have white babies? Because two wrongs don't make a white.

"If two sides in a battlefield read my book, there will be no winner."

Sun Tzu, The Art of War.

Q: What did the kid on the airplane say?

A: "Those are two nice towers right there."