Two jokes

I threw a boomerang two years ago... I live in constant fear.

I took the trash to the recycling bin, and two days later, my mom asked me, "Where's your sister?" I said, "In the recycling line to be turned into a bottle."

I'm writing a movie about 9/11. It's called "September 11th Two Thousand Fun."

How can you tell a blonde likes you? She ducks you two nights in a row.

What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons?

Jose and Hose B.

Why did two dumb blondes put condoms on the cow's udders because they wanted the cow to practice safe sex?

Two men walk into a bar. You’d think at least one of them would have ducked.

What's 9 divided by 11?

Well, I know it's less than two alright!

How many squirrels does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but how they got in there's the real mystery!

How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to light up the room with space lasers so the other can see, and one to screw it in.

What do you call 2 nuns and a prostitute that play football?

Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

What do you call two old men drooling in their wheelchairs?

The 2028 US election.

How do rappers greet each other?

With a "Mic check, one-two."

Why can’t you private text someone in a community?

Because a community has more than two people.

What are the last two words you say after sex before going to sleep?

"Goodnight, Mom!"

What did the skeleton say to Shrek?

"Jump on me. I can have two layers of skin too."

So, I was walking down the path of my life with Bigfoot, noticing the two pairs of footprints, mine and his.

One day, I notice his prints are gone. I look up to him and say, "You had promised you would always be there for me. How is this possible?"

He then looks me straight in the eyes and says, "Raw!"

You walk into an old, run-down house and you see that a light is on. You walk over to the light and you see blood all over the room, and you run to the exit to leave, but when you get to the door, somehow it is locked from the outside and you have no choice but to go into the house more. You see another room with a light on, so you go in. When you go in, "flip," all the lights go off, then you see a bright light and then a screen shows up and it says, "Let the game show begin." You see other people next to you and they seem scared, then a wall comes down, you see optical cords and you go on, and then a chainsaw comes at you and it misses you, but the other kid behind you gets hit and dies.

Part two coming soon. This is inspired by the SCP Foundation. Have a nice summer.

There are three people in a plane that is about to crash: Trump, Obama, and a nine-year-old girl, but only two parachutes. Obama says, "Oh my, I need one. I need to protect my family," so he jumps off! Trump says, "Oh, I am the smartest man in the world. I must take it," so he jumps off. The nine-year-old girl says, "Welp, I guess he took my school backpack" :) so she leaves the plane! What a good ending.

My two friends came to me one day and said they had the best blowjob that they ever had from my little sister. So I ask my sister, "Is it true that you gave my friends blowjobs?" She said yes.

My sister asked me, "Do you want one?" I said yeah. My sister gave me a blowjob and wow, just like my friends, it was the best blowjob that I ever had. As an older brother, I couldn't be more prouder.