Two jokes

What are the last two words you say after sex before going to sleep?

"Goodnight, Mom!"

Why can’t you private text someone in a community?

Because a community has more than two people.

Two sentence horror stories go.

Q: What do you call two nuns watching television?

A: Not very interesting.

I threw a boomerang two years ago... I live in constant fear.

I took the trash to the recycling bin, and two days later, my mom asked me, "Where's your sister?" I said, "In the recycling line to be turned into a bottle."

I'm writing a movie about 9/11. It's called "September 11th Two Thousand Fun."

A handicapped person and an orphan get into a fight. The orphan says, "At least I have two functional legs." The handicapped person says, "At least I have two functional parents."

What do you call a cat with two legs instead of four?

Dead and without use, that's what I feel like.

Why is the US so bad at Clash Royale? Because they already lost two towers.

What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons?

Jose and Hose B.

How can you tell a blonde likes you? She ducks you two nights in a row.

Why did two dumb blondes put condoms on the cow's udders because they wanted the cow to practice safe sex?

Two men walk into a bar. You’d think at least one of them would have ducked.

What's 9 divided by 11?

Well, I know it's less than two alright!

How many squirrels does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but how they got in there's the real mystery!

What did the skeleton say to Shrek?

"Jump on me. I can have two layers of skin too."

So, I was walking down the path of my life with Bigfoot, noticing the two pairs of footprints, mine and his.

One day, I notice his prints are gone. I look up to him and say, "You had promised you would always be there for me. How is this possible?"

He then looks me straight in the eyes and says, "Raw!"

You walk into an old, run-down house and you see that a light is on. You walk over to the light and you see blood all over the room, and you run to the exit to leave, but when you get to the door, somehow it is locked from the outside and you have no choice but to go into the house more. You see another room with a light on, so you go in. When you go in, "flip," all the lights go off, then you see a bright light and then a screen shows up and it says, "Let the game show begin." You see other people next to you and they seem scared, then a wall comes down, you see optical cords and you go on, and then a chainsaw comes at you and it misses you, but the other kid behind you gets hit and dies.

Part two coming soon. This is inspired by the SCP Foundation. Have a nice summer.

There are three people in a plane that is about to crash: Trump, Obama, and a nine-year-old girl, but only two parachutes. Obama says, "Oh my, I need one. I need to protect my family," so he jumps off! Trump says, "Oh, I am the smartest man in the world. I must take it," so he jumps off. The nine-year-old girl says, "Welp, I guess he took my school backpack" :) so she leaves the plane! What a good ending.