Two jokes
Two teenagers were raping an 11-year-old girl in an alley, so I stepped in to help. The little bitch didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.
What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer?
We are both lawyers.
My girlfriend is so fat, she looked into the mirror and said, "Woah, there are two of me!"
Why can’t the USA play chess?
Because they lost their two towers.
Q. There were two sisters. One was having twins and asked her sister to help name the children. If one was named Deniece, what was the other named?
A. Denephew.
Do you know why most men are impressive cooks?
Because with two eggs and a sausage, they can keep women full for 9 months.
What do you call two Mexicans having sex? 50 Shades of Brown.
Did you hear about the two-car pile-up in Mexico? Yeah like 200 Mexicans died.
It takes a lot of trust for two cannibals to gluck gluck each other. You never know when it's goodbye willy.
What two fights can Africa never win?
A food fight and a water fight.
I went home to my girlfriend with milk! She said, "Oh thank you honey!"
Then I got a call from a girl named Melissa. She called and said, "Steven, where the hell have you been? It's been two weeks and you still haven't come back yet?"
Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.
They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."
Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.
"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"
Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"
They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"
Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.
The first kingdom was quite rich and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy and sent only 10 knights, each with two squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight’s armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.
The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.
And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
Two men walk into a bar, and they both hit their heads.
Two nuns are riding their bikes down a cobblestone path.
One nun turns to the other one and says, "I’ve never come this way."
The other one says, "Neither have I. It must be the cobblestones."
We destroyed two boats, and they dropped the sun on us twice!
Two boys came home for dinner late, and their mother asked, "Where have you boys been?" One of them replied with, "We were all over the neighborhood, we're mailmen now." Their snobby teen sister said, "Well, you're not real mailmen, real mailmen use real letters." Then one of the boys said, "Actually, we used real letters, we found a whole box of them under your bed."
Two brothers play on the street. One of them finds a condom on the ground. Not knowing what it is, they go to their mum and ask what it is that they found. Mum gets mad and yells to throw that away immediately.
Guys go back to the yard, surprised why their mum got mad for just latex. One of them says: "Why did mum get so angry?" The other: "I have no idea, thankfully we did not tell her that we've eaten the yogurt inside!"
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Two gay lovers find out they are brothers.
One day in Roblox, someone was arguing with me, and they asked me my age. "18." They said that they were twenty-two.
Me: "If you're so smart, what's the largest daycare game on Roblox?"
Him: "Yo Hair," he said. Then he left the game, and I said, "That is so messed up. Actually, that's bullcrap."