Two men are hunting. One asks: "Did you ever hunt bear?" The other one answers: "No, but one time I went fishing in my shorts."
Little Johnny is a trucker. He stops at a bar. Johnny sees a sign that says, "Hamburgers for two dollars, cheeseburger for three dollars, handjob for ten dollars." He walks up to the bartender and whispers to her, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs for ten dollars?" She replies, "Yes, that's me." Johnny says, "Well, can you wash your hands because I want a cheeseburger?"
Two horses are standing in a field. "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse," says the first.
"Moo!" says the second.
Why was 6 afraid to go camping with 7?
Because 7 wanted to bring two knives for survival, but 6 secretly knew that 7 hated him, and didn’t have benign intentions.
Read this out loud to yourself and it’ll make sense. ;)
Chuck Norris can make a fire with two ice cubes.
Two gay guys, two lesbians, and two pedophiles have a race.
What is the order of finish?
1. Lesbians. Doing 69 the whole way.
2. Pedophiles. Coming in a little behind.
3. Gay guys. Still packing their shit.
How many brain cells does a pregnant blonde have?
Two, one for her and one for the baby.
What do you call two gay Irishmen?
Patrick Fitz Gerald, and Gerald Fitz Patrick.
How was copper wire invented?
Two Jewish people fighting over a penny.
I can explain Superman and Batman movies in one sentence.
Two orphans fighting in the rain.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
When two wheelchairs hit each other, is it a fender bender?
What's the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling? One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler.
Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don't have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan: he tells his friend, "We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks. But then when the bill comes, you get down and suck on the hot-dog, and it'll look like you're sucking on my dick. So then we'll get thrown out without paying, and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again."
His friend agrees, so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude's pants, go to the bar, and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, "Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!" The first guy says, "Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!"
Two cows standing in a paddock, one says, "Moo." The other turns to him and says, "I was just going to say that!"
What’s the German word for BRA? Keep two from floppin'.
What instrument do a pair of sheep play? The two-baaaa.
I asked my doctor if it was normal for one of my nuts to be bigger than the other two.
Someone in London is stabbed every two minutes. Poor guy.
Yo mama so fat that she needs two watches for two different time zones.
