Two

Two jokes

What do you do after your girlfriend with two broken legs dumps you?

Take her wheelchair, she'll come crawling back.

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    • The Man: "Sonny, why do you come to get some milk every day?"

    The Son: "Because milk is important."

    The Man: "Why don't you ever come with your mom?"

    The Boy: "Who?"

    The Man: "Your mom?"

    The Boy: "I don't have a mom."

    The Man: "I'm sorry for your loss."

    The boy stared for a moment when two men came out of the vehicle and picked up the boy.

    A man walks into the taxidermist with two monkeys. The taxidermist asked if he wanted them mounted. The man said, "No. Shaking hands will be fine."

    Two kids were sitting at a restaurant. One said, "Could I please have some water? I am feeling a little HORSE." The other said, "Animal Puns? TOUCAN play at that game."

    Two gay kids made their version of the Jack and Jill nursery rhyme.

    Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pair of lattes.

    Two kids were beating up a kid in an alley, so I stepped in to help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

    Science flew us to the moon.

    Religion flew us into two skyscrapers.

    There are two siblings, a little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night and take her home. So they get to the bigger brother's house and walk into his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk beds. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, "Whenever you feel good, say 'lettuce,' and whenever you want to switch positions say 'tomato'." The girl constantly is saying "lettuce, tomato," and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over me."

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    • Why did the Columbine High School basketball team lose the big game?

    Because they lost their two best shooters...

    Two cows are out grazing in the field. One cow says to the other cow, "Aren't you worried about this mad cow disease that's been going around?" The other cow replied, "Why would I be worried about mad cow disease? I'm a rabbit!"

    There's two types of emo people:

    1. People that cut side to side.

    2. And people that cut up and down.

    The most efficient is up and down.

    My wife and I were at the park with our little princess today.

    We decided to go back home, then some jerk had the nerve to shout, "Stop those two! They have my daughter!"

    Why were the people during 9/11 mad because they ordered pepperoni sandwiches, but they got two planes?

    One night I was sitting on my bed in my room, minding my own business. It was pretty late, around 10 PM. The glow of my laptop screen was the only light in the room. I heard a noise coming from behind me. It sounded like the door was opening, but there was no one else in the house.

    I turned around and found Mr. Incredible standing in my doorway, a stern look on his face. He walked over to me, slowly and dramatically. Then he leaned over and pointed his finger at my face, only about two inches away now. I was frozen with my back against the wall. Then, Mr. Incredible said something I would never forget: "Stop pirating video games."

    Ever since that day, I have never gone on a pirating website and have paid legally for my video games. True story.

    A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

    An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move. The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: "You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive."

    But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happened to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said: "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now." Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered: "He said, 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.'"