Try jokes

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a third of a beer. The bartender bellows, "Get the hell out of here, are you trying to ruin me?"

I tried to catch fog yesterday...

Mist.

The emo tried to high five the tree, but the tree just left him hanging.

There’s so many protests. Every time I see "my body, my choice," I can’t tell if we’re protesting the masks or trying to kill babies.

I tried kidnapping a kid today and told him I was his dad's friend and I would take him home. He just curled up into a ball and started crying. Kidnapping must be easy.

So, this woman woke up since she had a bad dream and was yelling about her bad dream. Then, in the bed, her husband woke up and said, "Hey! You just woke me up in a sweet dream!" She said, "Oh, sorry babe." Then she asked him what his dream was about, and he responded like, "I was with a woman; me and her was in the middle of dreamy sex; you just ruined it!" She said, "AAAAh!" He asked her what her dream was about, then she replied as, "I was trying to suck a man's penis, and a cock trying to get cummiee out of it!"

Did you hear about the emo kid that tried to high-five a tree? It left him hanging.

I tried to make a website for orphans.

Sadly, I couldn't make a home page.

The ice cream man tried to murder me today.

Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.

One afternoon, a man was walking to a bar after work. Across the street, an Irish nun stood there waving her arms at the man. "Look at this poor drunkard! The Lord does not love him! He will be sent to Hell!" the nun shouted.

The man walked over to the nun. "Hey! I had a hard day at work! I was going to get ONE beer! Have you ever even tried a drink before?" the man asked. The nun looked down and shook her head. "Well, if you tried it, you would probably like it! Would you want to try something?" the man asked. The nun replied, "Okay, only one thing."

"What would you like?" asked the man. He offered her beer and whiskey, but she declined. "How about a little gin?" the man concluded. "Okay, sure. But, can you ask them to put it in a mug so people don't see what I'm drinking?" asked the nun.

"Fine," the man walks into the bar and waves to the bartender. "Hey, can I have a bottle of beer and a bit of gin? Also, can that be in a mug?" asked the man. The bartender looked up, with fury in his eyes. "Don't tell me that damn nun is out there again!" the bartender said.

Jesus and Moses come back to Earth.

Moses says, "Let's go down to the ocean and see if I can do what I used to when I was here before." So Moses raises his arms and motions to part the waters. Sure enough, he is able to part the waters just as before.

Jesus quips, "Close the water, I'm going to try to do what I used to when I was here last." So Jesus walks out on top of the water, then sinks to the bottom. He crawls out pulling seaweed off of him. Moses says, "Hey, it's not your fault, you didn't have those holes in your feet before."

What do you say when you wake up to the police trying to arrest you?

“C'mon, did ya really think I’d resist arrest?”

Child: "Mom, what's an 'orgasm'?"

Mom: "I don't know, dear. Try asking your father."

Leo: Mother, what is an idiot?

Mother: An idiot is someone that explains something in a long, boring way so that the person that the idiot is trying to explain to doesn't understand.

Mother: Do you understand?

Leo: No.

If I had 10 dino nuggies and Jamal tried to take one, I would have ten dino nuggies and Jamal's head.

What cookies did the orphans never try?

Home made cookies!

What happened to the depressed kid who tried to high five a tree?

Answer: He was left there hanging.

I bought a wooden whistle. I tried so hard, but it wouldn't whistle.

So I bought a steel one. It still wouldn't let me whistle. Then I got a lead one. It still wouldn't lead me whistle. Then I realised, they were flutes, so the wood would lead me whistle if I did it correctly. Steel....

Hey, how ya doin'?

Well I'm doin' just fine, I lied, I'm DEAD inside.

Don't tell me "it's gonna be alright," I've tried, but I can't fight like this.

Hey how ya doin', I'm tired but I'm trying to fight.