Try jokes
I've been trying to find jokes about gouging my eyes out, but I couldn't see any.
Have you ever tried Ethiopian food?
Neither have they...
When your mom tries to hit you with the belt but misses and hits herself... #victoryroyale
The other day my wife said, "Take me someplace I have never been before!" I said, "Why don't you try the kitchen?"
How did Stephen Hawking die?
He tried to update to Windows 10, and his hard drive corrupted.
Q: What’s the difference between a sleeping lady and an onion?
A: One doesn’t scream when you try to chop it up.
Ever tried Ethiopian food? No? Neither have they.
Have you tried eating a clock?
It's time-consuming!
So there's this uncle of female and male twins, and his sister, the mother of the twins, is stuck trying to think of a name for the children. The uncle says, "I've got an idea!", and the mother gets excited, thinking this could be it. She says, "What should their names be?"
The uncle replies, "Well for your daughter, Denise." "That's a nice name," comments the mother, "but what about my son?" The uncle simply replies, "Denephew".
I tried out some puns to make people laugh, but no pun in ten did.
Don't bother; just try to live in England.
EU Delegate: "Sir, your country has the highest corruption and crime rate out of any other member nations. What do you have to say?"
Ambassador: *tries slipping the delegate 40 Euros* "You didn't see any statistics."
Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Angela Merkel are standing at the shore and are trying to impress each other with the accomplishments of their countries. Putin brags, "We have nuclear submarines which can stay underwater for six weeks without having to resurface!". Trump goes on, "Six weeks? That's nothing. I have the best submarines, they're underwater für at least three months!". Merkel is about to respond, when a giant steel colossus emerges from the sea. A hatch opens, a black uniform appears - "Heil Hitler! We need Diesel."
I tried to catch fog yesterday...
Mist.
A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks, “What’s so magical about it?” The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.
The bartender shakes his head and says, “Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
A doctor is at a bar one night and notices a young lady at the counter. He approaches her and says, "Hello there miss, pardon my intrusion, but I was curious to know, if someone were to pay you a million dollars to sleep with them, would you?"
The young lady smiles and says, "That's a lot of money, of course, I would."
The doctor smiles and says, "That's interesting, but what if someone were to pay you 5 dollars to sleep with them, would you?"
The young lady says, "What, are you joking? That's no money at all. Of course, I wouldn't. What do you think I am?"
The Doctor smiles again and says, "We already established what you are, now we're trying to establish a price."
What do you call a person who tries to get you on a dating website... a Brodie.
I was trying to make friends, and this one person came up to me. They said, "Lettuce be friends?" I just laughed and said that was tear-able.
I'm trying to come up with a set-up for an amputee joke, but I'm stumped.
My favorite thing to do in my free time is putting a large skewer on the front of my car and speeding through a school zone trying to make a kebab.