Worst Jokes Ever
I’ve just discovered that cock fighting is done with chickens.
12 months of training completely wasted.
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?
A can't opener.
I used to be into fitness. But running from my problems got exhausting.
Why do black people have nightmares? Because the last person who had a dream got shot.
What did Osama give the Windows on the World restaurant in the WTC as a rating when he ate it? A 9/11!
I donated blood today. In the future, I will try to remember that I'm supposed to donate my blood only.
How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
About one third less than for a regular bulb.
A team of cops and a news reporter are at a home where a violent crime has been committed. The head news reporter, in front of the camera, says, "A woman in this house has killed her husband because he stepped on the floor while she was mopping." He then turns around and asks a cop, "Has the woman been arrested yet?" The cop replies, "Not yet, we're waiting for the floor to dry."
Why is it so hard to find people defending suicide in any discussion?
Because they are really committed to their cause.
Your mum is a Rune Giant.
My anxiety has anxiety.
Better Friday the 13th than any Monday.
Lemme tell you a little story.
It’s night. You’re in your room, trying to sleep. But you keep hearing it—scratching. Soft at first. Like fingernails on wood. You tell yourself it’s rats, or the house settling. But it keeps going. Slow... then faster.
So finally, you get outta bed. You get on your hands and knees, put your ear to the floor. And you hear it. A voice. Whispers. Crying.
Your heart’s pounding. You grab a crowbar. You pry up the floorboards. One by one. Your sweat’s dripping into the dust. The noise gets louder.
And finally... you peel back the last plank.
And you see these eyes. Wide and terrified. And a pale little face staring up at you.
BOOOOOOO!!!!
It’s Anne Frank.
What do you call two natives in a ditch?
A sleepover.
What do you call a Mexican fighting a Catholic priest?
Alien vs. Predator.
Better Friday the 13th than Monday the 13th.
A normal exorcism is getting a demon out of a person, but a reverse exorcism is the devil telling the priest to get out of the child.
A: What did the lawyer say to the amputee?
Q: You haven't got a leg to stand on.
A boy sat in his bed, watching a meteor shower. He was a vengeful child and wished that his parents would no longer bother him whilst he was gaming.
The next morning, he woke up to find his mother had passed away in the night. Clearly his wish had worked. However, his father worked a midnight job, and as such the boy was very confused when he returned home from work, expecting him to have met the same fate.
The two of them then looked out the window in thought, only to find the milkman lying dead on the pavement.
Been single for a couple of years and then I met this Muslim girl. She soon put the spark back into things.