Worst Jokes Ever
I called my dog J. They said, "Joné."
Employer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: No, but I do a pretty good "Bohemian Rhapsody."
What was Stephen Hawking's favorite type of music?
Rock and Roll.
I love telling dad jokes. He always laughs.
When you have a hand clock it goes tic-tac.
When an American has it go backwards, it's tactic.
Instead of the line, "This girl's on fire," my friend can relate to, "The baby in the oven's on fire, and I need to take it the f*ck out!"
What's the difference between a cactus and a school bus?
On a bus all the little pricks are on the inside.
Why can't orphans walk through doors?
Because they don't have a house to walk into.
You're so cool that celebrities take pictures of you.
You're so brilliant and bright that the Sun wears sunglasses when you're near!
Paul Walker died Fast and Furious.
Why is the Tower of Pisa leaning? Because it had better reflexes than the Twin Towers.
A young couple gets banned from church.
There were three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.
After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.
Then he asks the middle-aged couple the same question, "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.
Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.
"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me! I took her right there."
"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"
"We understand," says the husband, "We were banned from the grocery store, too."
I went to a birthday party and told dad jokes.
The jokes didn't go over well. I was asked to leave the orphanage.
What’s the difference between how you watch porn and I watch porn?
The windows we watch through.
If you are what you eat,
why is Jeffrey Dahmer white?
Why did the emo swallow an alarm clock?
So he could wake up inside.
Bin Laden’s kid comes sad from school.
“Dad, I got an F in Geography class!”
“Why is that?”
“The teacher asked me what’s the tallest building in New York and I said ‘Empire State Building.’”
Bin Laden waits a moment and then replies, “Let dad handle this one.”
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th grade. Which one is the sexiest?
The blonde, because she’s the only one who’s 18.
How does Hellen Keller meet men?
She goes on blind dates.