Worst Jokes Ever

A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it.

Doctor: "I have good news and bad news."

Guy: "What's the bad news?"

Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."

Guy: "Good news?"

Doc: "You now have tic tac toe."

Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing a seat belt.

How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment.

What's the difference between an onion and a baby?

One makes you cry when you cut it up.

Knock knock. Who's there? Crippling depression. Crippling depression who? Me.

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words: "STOP SHAKING THE LADDER, YOU LITTLE CUNT!"

Trust your calculator. It's something to count on.

What do you call a gun that doesn't kill anyone?

- A VEGUN.

Mary Poppins went to a restaurant and ordered cheese, eggs, and cauliflower. When she left, she had written something in the complaint box: "Super cauliflower, eggs, but cheese was quite atrocious." (Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious)

Wanna hear something bad? A pile of dead babies.

Wanna hear something worse? The one at the bottom is still alive.

Wanna hear something worse than that? He has to eat his way out.

Wanna hear something that's the worst? He comes back for seconds.

Dr. Brody: Sir, your son has a disease called boofa.

Dad: What's boofa?

Dr. Brody: Both of these nuts in your mouth.

I named my dog Syndrome, so when he sits on my couch I say, “Get down, Syndrome!”

Q: How can you tell the sun is a boy?

A: It rises every morning.

A mirror and a terrorist are the same... Only... a mirror doesn't need a gun to kill.

What do you call a cow with no legs? (Ground Beef!) No, a cow! The absence of legs does not change the fact that the species is still a cow!

What do you call a DOG with no legs? (A dog?) It doesn't matter what you call it, as it's never going to come.

A feminist walks into a bar. Her friend says, "Oh my god, your shoulders are broad!" Another woman says, "Are you sure it's a woman?"

So Paul Walker made a rap cover. It is called "Straight Out of Windshield."

I ran over my neighbor's cat last night, and I just want to say... that thing was fast! I had to run a red light to get it!

My friend's mother thought a kid who had autism and Down syndrome called him a "double down."

I named my daughter Kennedy so when I talked about how her brain was shot out of her head, people just thought I paid really close attention in history.

If laughter is the best medicine, shouldn't we go up to disabled people and laugh at them?