Worst Jokes Ever
An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day.
After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer."
Another 20 minutes passes and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips.
The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go fuck yourself, these are my chips."
"Just say NO to drugs!" Well, if I'm talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.
What do you call a gay drive-by?
A fruit roll up.
What tree is every emo kid trying to find?
The hanging tree.
I just watched a 9/11 documentary on a plane. Man next to me said, "You know we're going to New York, right?" I told him I just wanna know what I got into.
My girlfriend told me she used to be a Christian. I asked her why she isn't anymore and she said she liked the name Christina better.
Your hairline is so far away that even the Hubble Telescope can't see it.
I took my girlfriend to a Chinese restaurant. One hour after ordering, I went to ask the chef what was going on. That was until I heard barking from the kitchen.
What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story and a Catholic priest?
One goes limp when a child walks in the room.
How many feminists does it take to fix a lightbulb?
9: one to screw the lightbulb, one to film it, one to post about it on a women empowerment social media page, one to complain that the man didn’t screw the lightbulb, one to say that women deserve to screw more lightbulbs, one to try to get #womenlightbulbscrewers trending on Twitter, one to bring a man and show him the screwing, one to say that women are better than men at screwing lightbulbs, and one to make a speech about the lightbulb.
What did the titanic say as it was sinking?
I nominate all the passengers to the ice bucket challenge.
Give a man a match, he'll be warm for hours.
Light the man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
They say give a man an inch, he'll take a mile. What about women? They don't have dicks.
What’s an orphan's favorite drink?
Fosters.
You're so ugly, when you went to the makeup store, it shut down.
What do you say to a depressed person on the ceiling?
Hang in there!
What was one phrase Michael Jackson said to a boy in his bed? Baby, be mine.
What was Michael Jackson's answer to the parents of the little boys who were left with him when asked why does he do it that way? Tell them that it's human nature.
I farted in my grandma's breathing machine.
What's the quickest way to go to the hospital? Just stand in the middle of a busy road.