I've got an impressive record at Russian roulette. Retired after one loss ever.
Worst Jokes Ever
Spare.
You got a spare, spare me an inch of that far juicy cock.
A man and a child walk into a forest.
The kid says, "Um, sir, it's getting dark, and I'm getting kinda scared."
The man says, "Yeah, well, think how I feel. I have to walk back out alone."
If you get out of the shower clean, how does your towel get dirty?
Kid: Imagine being an orphan!
Parents: Look who's talking, not you 'cause you ain't got no one to talk to! *vanishes*
Kid: WAIT, WHAT!
Why do orphans make terrible baseball players?
They don't know where home plate is.
Amelia is hotter than my mum 696969696.
If wishes were horses, Beggars would ride.
If turnips were watches, I would wear one by my side.
And if if's and an's were pots and pans, The tinker would never work!
What do a blonde chick and a turtle both have in common?
When they're on their backs, they're screwed.
A wife and husband go to a barn. The husband picks up a goat and says, “Look at this pig I have to sleep with every night.”
The wife says, “Honey, that’s a goat.”
The husband replies with, “I was talking to the goat.”
I was doing a race, and I started after everyone 'cause I fell, but when I got up I realized I couldn't even race, not because I was behind, but because I can't go straight if I'm gay...
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? About 120 pounds. ;D
What does a nosey pepper do?
It gets jalapeño business!
Dad joke.
Why does a dad get more than a pair of socks at the golf course?
Because of a hole in one!
My grief counselor died the other day.
He was so good at his job, I don't even care.
My dad died in 9/11... He was the best pilot I know.
Why did the orphan cross the road?
To find their way to the store to see their dad.
Chimichanga.
Ur mom. (Idk, I'm bored.)
My therapist told me time heals wounds, so I stabbed him, and now we wait.