Told jokes

I'm always willing to go down on a special needs girl.

Momma always told me to eat my vegetables.

They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.

My woman told me that she wants to have sex with me, and I said, "Let's go at it." She said, "Shut up and kiss me on all my pillows."

My therapist told me to write letters to the people you hate and then burn them.

I did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

I told an orphan to never stop talking until their parents come home.

Now I can’t get it to shut up.

A bully told an orphan to cry to his parents, so he did.

His adoptive parents were very supportive about the situation, and everything was settled. He died in an accident a day later.

Why did the Texas cow own its own dachshund?

The cowboy told it to "get along little doggie."

Jim was caught beating a man up. Brooklyn took a picture of his license plate with her phone and told him, "Your life is ruined!" So Jim took a picture of her, and the next thing you know, he said, "Now my phone is ruined!"

Bro sat down too close for comfort. I told him to move or he would get hurt.

Come on, how hard could it possibly be To move a few inches? You’re touching my D.

A guy really needs his personal space. Disobey and I’ll shove it in your face.

I invented a time-traveling machine and traveled back to Pangea. I warned the dinosaurs about the deadly asteroid. They told me, "It wasn't an asteroid... it was Pionel Pessi's penalty ball ricocheted from Mars that made them extinct." Tears ran down my face. Shame on you, Pessi!

An elderly man was happy to finally see his wife again and was packing. He told everyone about the trip.

"I will see her in one week!"

A week later, he died.

I was raised a Catholic, and my priest told me when I was 12, "God is watching you when you masturbate."

I said, "Is God a pedophile too, Father?"

How did the coke seller react when someone told him a joke?

He CRACKed up.

My Japanese friend told me a Pearl Harbor joke. I told him he bombed it.

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."

The blonde then taped the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

I told my mum the refrigerator was running, so she got dressed and ran after it...

This anorexic girl wanted to fight me. I told her that I would roast her, but she didn't have any meat.

I lost my virginity to a girl with Down syndrome. I told my mom I wanted my first time to be special.

I think my butt looks flat, but my boyfriend seems to think the opposite. I told him to be deadass with me.

A mother and her 7 year old child are walking in the grocery store. The young boy then screams to a random woman “you're an ugly bitch.”

The mother grabs her son and says, “I’m so sorry, I must have told him a thousand of times to not judge people on how they look."