One day, I came home from school and said to my dad, "I got expelled from school today." He said, "How?" I said, "I threw my book at the teacher." He asked, "Why?" I told him, "We were doing an anti-bullying program, and my teacher said words can't hurt me, so I threw my dictionary at her."
Yo mama so dumb, she got hit by a cup and told the police she got mugged.
My parents told me that when they had sex, it was absolutely shambles. Thankfully, it turned out that they were real balls.
Woman one: "I got so mad at my GPS today that I told it to go to hell!"
Woman two: "Did that work?"
Woman one: "Well, it took me to my in-laws’ house."
Somebody told me a chemistry joke. I thought it was sodium funny, I slapped my neon that one.
so my best friend's boyfriend broke up with her and she started to cry.So I'd told her a 'single' joke then she said," Go and fucking die you insensitive bitch!". I later said," ugh, fine as your BFF I will break his body for you-happy now?". She said," *sniff* yes".
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"
My teacher told me, "You have no idea how powerful this quote is." I looked at her and told her, "You don't know how powerful the shotgun in my bookbag is."
I once met a skeleton, I asked if I could tell him a joke, he agreed, I told him it, he found it quite “humerus”.
Why are the same Sally jokes told over and over again?
Because how can you tell jokes about someone who's dead?
My dad always told me I should sing tenor. Ten or twelve miles away.
I told my mother im a sexy cunt she said no u got cancer u twat
My friend Arid asked me what I did over the weekend. I told him Arid
Get it? I read? no... ok.
I've been told I've got a perfect cock. She sure was hard on me when I took it from her though.
Three people explored the jungles, one was from France, one from Britain, and the other from America.
While exploring, they were captured by the tribe living there. The tribesmen told the three, "You three have invaded our territory, so we must kill you and use your bodies to create canoes. However, we aren't that heartless, so we'll let you choose your deaths."
So the French guy asked for a gun, pointed to his head, and said "Viva la France!" and shot himself. The Britain guy requested poison and said, "For the Queen!" and drank the poison. Lastly, the American asked for a spoon. The tribesmen were confused but still gave him the spoon. When the American got the spoon, he started stabbing himself, "Try make a canoe out of this one!"
My parents told me I was born on the highway.
Apparently that’s where most accidents happen.
How did Helen Keller's mom punish her? She put her in a circular room and told her to find the corner.
Yo mama so stupid, when I told her she needed some cats, she came back with...
CRASH, ARENA, TURBO STARS!
I saw a man sitting on the ledge of a bridge the other day, and asked him what was wrong. He responded with nobody loves me, so i told him that may be true but you dont wanna kill yourself you want to die of old age, or at least be murdered, suicide is for the weak. he responded with your right so I pushed him over the bridge, and he died of murder
have i told you the joke about the airplane, ah, forget it, it probably just went over your head
