Told Jokes

I once met a skeleton. I asked if I could tell him a joke. He agreed. I told it to him. He found it quite “humerus”.

Why are the same Sally jokes told over and over again?

Because how can you tell jokes about someone who's dead?

My dad always told me I should sing tenor. Ten or twelve miles away.

I told my mother I'm a sexy cunt. She said, "No, you got cancer, you twat."

My friend Arid asked me what I did over the weekend. I told him, "I read."

Get it? I read? No... ok.

I've been told I've got a perfect cock.

She sure was hard on me when I took it from her, though.

Three people explored the jungles, one was from France, one from Britain, and the other from America.

While exploring, they were captured by the tribe living there. The tribesmen told the three, "You three have invaded our territory, so we must kill you and use your bodies to create canoes. However, we aren't that heartless, so we'll let you choose your deaths."

So the French guy asked for a gun, pointed to his head, and said "Viva la France!" and shot himself. The Britain guy requested poison and said, "For the Queen!" and drank the poison. Lastly, the American asked for a spoon. The tribesmen were confused but still gave him the spoon. When the American got the spoon, he started stabbing himself, "Try make a canoe out of this one!"

My parents told me I was born on the highway.

Apparently that’s where most accidents happen.

How did Helen Keller's mom punish her? She put her in a circular room and told her to find the corner.

Yo mama so stupid, when I told her she needed some cats, she came back with...

CRASH, ARENA, TURBO STARS!

I saw a man sitting on the ledge of a bridge the other day, and asked him what was wrong. He responded with nobody loves me, so i told him that may be true but you dont wanna kill yourself you want to die of old age, or at least be murdered, suicide is for the weak. he responded with your right so I pushed him over the bridge, and he died of murder

Have I told you the joke about the airplane? Ah, forget it, it probably just went over your head.

I was always told I’m too small to ride, but every girl I’ve been with rated me a 9.5.

I would have told you a cheesy pun, but it was too cheesy. *picks up cheeses*

A girl walks up to her friend with sunglasses she missed very much.

She told her, "Hey, long time no see."

Why did Shawn suddenly fly to Mount Everest, leaving behind friends, family, and food?

Someone told him that "Shelby"'s coming 'round the mountain.

A mother and her 7 year old child are walking in the grocery store. The young boy then screams to a random woman “you're an ugly bitch.”

The mother grabs her son and says, “I’m so sorry, I must have told him a thousand of times to not judge people on how they look."

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.

Tombstone engraving: "I TOLD you I was sick!"

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you haven't told her twice.