Told jokes

My dad is really angry at me for kicking the balls. He's the one that told me always aim for them. Is that why I don't have a brother?

I love when I could run through the grass and feel the wind on my face.

Then my mom told me to get off VR, and then I wheeled myself to her.

I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.

When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"

I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."

Once the old lady told me she had wisdom, but after she voted! 🤯

I was in a haunted house today. Nothing scared me until I reached the last room, where I saw the scariest Halloween ghost I've ever seen. He took my pens and ghosted. I was told that I saw Pristiano Penaldo and I was lucky enough to see him because he performs once in a blue moon.

I told this man to rev his vehicle.

Didn't know wheelchairs can't rev.

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, “Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”

Little Johnny looked up and replied, “Well, Ms Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned!”

Once there was this kid that wanted to shower with his dad, so his dad said yes. Then he asked, "What is that?" and his dad said it's a chow chow train.

The next day, he wanted to shower with his mom, so she said yes. He asked again, "What is that?" and she said it was a tunnel with light.

The same day, he wanted to sleep with them, and they said yes.

In the middle of the night, he woke up and told his mom to turn on the light because the chow chow train is going in.

I threw a lamp at an emo kid and told him to lighten the f*ck up.

A wise man once told me: "If you poke the bear in prison, the bear will happily return the favor when it's time to shower."

"Your mum has very small balls. Congrats! I told her, your balls are bigger than your husband's."

Kidnapper: Hey kid, your parents told me to pick you up.

Kid: Sir, this is an orphanage.

Kidnapper: ...

Can’t believe how ungrateful my dwarf next-door neighbor is. I saw him waiting at the bus stop earlier today and offered to give him a lift, but he told me to “fuck off.” In the end, I decided to just close my rucksack and walk away.

A blind woman told me I had a big penis yesterday.

I think she was pulling my leg.

What did the shoe tell the feet?

"Put me on your feet!"

Why did the students eat their homework?

Because the teacher told them it was a piece of cake!

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes.

So she gave me a hug.

I told the emo girl to stop playing fruit ninja on her wrists.

I told the emo girl that I bet she's jealous of the hanging lights in the gym.

My dad told me Santa was black, so instead of cookies and milk waiting for him when he came down the chimney, he got cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.