Told jokes
A wise man once told me: "If you poke the bear in prison, the bear will happily return the favor when it's time to shower."
"Your mum has very small balls. Congrats! I told her, your balls are bigger than your husband's."
Kidnapper: Hey kid, your parents told me to pick you up.
Kid: Sir, this is an orphanage.
Kidnapper: ...
Can’t believe how ungrateful my dwarf next-door neighbor is. I saw him waiting at the bus stop earlier today and offered to give him a lift, but he told me to “fuck off.” In the end, I decided to just close my rucksack and walk away.
A blind woman told me I had a big penis yesterday.
I think she was pulling my leg.
What did the shoe tell the feet?
"Put me on your feet!"
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher told them it was a piece of cake!
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes.
So she gave me a hug.
I told the emo girl to stop playing fruit ninja on her wrists.
I told the emo girl that I bet she's jealous of the hanging lights in the gym.
My dad told me Santa was black, so instead of cookies and milk waiting for him when he came down the chimney, he got cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.
JFK tried meditating. He told everyone he is very open-minded.
Our teacher told us to write a story about the life of an object that's not alive, so I wrote a story about an emo kid.
I asked my boyfriend who his favorite motivational speaker was. He said Andrew Tate. I told him the BEST motivational speaker was Stephen Hawking.
Jimmy watched in horror as Alex told the suicidal man to do a flip.
Guy, it was so weird yesterday. I saw a guy, and he kept repeating the same thing over and over. I hate people with dementia. I told my mom to get a new mirror, but she won’t listen to me. It’s almost like I said it like 20 times every time I say it.
I was beefing with a dude in a wheelchair, so I took his wheelchair and threw it across the street and told him, "Walk it off, you will be fine."
I was at work and then a little kid came up to me and she said, "What happened to all the parents?" She sounded so confused, so I told her, "It's only yours, kid, they left you on purpose." She cried. I felt bad for a second and thought, oh well, time to get back to my job at the orphanage.
One day my mom told me not to be an actor. I said, "But mommy, I will make a lot of money!"
A woman was sitting alone at a bar, and a man approached her. He asked her why she looked so sad. She responded that her boyfriend had just broken up with her because she was too kinky.
The man expressed his amazement when he admitted that his girlfriend had dumped him because of his fetishes. After a few drinks, they decided to go back to her place.
When they arrived, she told him to make himself comfortable while she freshened up. The man complied. After a long time, she burst open her bedroom door and said, "I hope you're ready!"
She stood in the doorway wearing a latex body suit and a gas mask. She had a whip in one hand, a flogger in the other hand, and a 12-inch strap-on dangling between her thighs.
The dude looked at her and said, "Thanks, but I'm good for the night!"
She said, "I thought you said that you were kinky."
The dude replied, "While you were in there, I f-cked your cat, pissed in your plants, and came on your curtains. It's been fun!"