Today jokes

I didn't break my back in the accident, thankfully.

But I can break yours today, hopefully.

Doctor: I’m sorry, I can’t see you today.

Orphan: Oh, how about tomorrow?

Doctor: No, I can’t ever see you.

Orphan: Why?

Doctor: Because I’m a family physician.

Today when I looked in the mirror, I stopped and simply said: "It's ok, what's inside matters the most, right?"

Hi! Welcome to Papa John's abortion clinic, where yesterday's meat is today's treat. How may I be of service?

I was on the train today and saw a cow on it.

It was quite strange until I realized it was Alfie's mum.

Today I was at PE, and I saw a kid in a wheelchair. I threw a basketball at him, and I yelled, "Rocket League!"

Hey, guys! Just a quick reminder to spread kindness today and treat others how you want to be treated!

Rate your day on a scale of 1-10 in the comments below. Mine was about a 7. Also, can you guys please comment [on] what you guys want me to cover in these little messages? Sometimes it's hard to tell if you guys like that I'm doing this kind of stuff or not.

I saw a fat woman at the bus stop today, so I asked her, "When's it due?"

She replied, "I'm not fucking pregnant, you rude prick!"

I said, "I meant the bus, you fat cunt!"

I wrote an essay today about Africa, and I FAILED even though I wrote a perfect rendition of the Hunger Games storyline.

Today I got a lecture from my mother, and congratulated her. Why?

Because she managed not to damage me in a physical fashion.

* Sans at Sans' favorite restaurant* Sans: Hey, Frisk, what do you eat today?

Frisk: One knife, plz.

Sans: Ok, one knife, plz.

Waiter: You eat a knife?

Frisk: Yes.

*Waiter asking for one knife*

Waiter: Here you go.

Frisk: Thanks you.

I left my Avatar at home today.

me: calls suicide hotline. hotline lady: suicide hotline, how are you doing today? me: not much, just hanging.

Blame Austria for creating Hitler, who we know today. He failed art school.

Today my biology teacher asked me what's commonly found in a cell......... And apparently "black people" isn't the right answer.

Today I went to the doctor for a test, and he said I have 10 months to live.

So later that day I stabbed him to death, and the judge sentenced me for 15 years in prison. Problem solved!

I got in trouble at school today because I told the teacher at school with COVID to stay positive.

I joined an emo class today. The first lesson I learned was slice and dice and let it flow.

Today is Good Friday, so there will be no meat for us to eat. Instead, we have to do what lesbians do and eat fish.

Today sucked. My girlfriend got hit by a car, and I lost my job as an Uber driver.