Today jokes

What do you say to your pet when you're super tired, slow, and worn out?

"I'm totally dogging it today..."

Sister: Hey sis, how are you today?

Me: Oh, good, you?

Sister: Good, 'cause I heard you finally got a good living life.

I saw a kid crying today and asked them, "Where are your parents?"

God, I love working at an orphanage!

A man driving along a country road sees a little girl crying next to a cliff. He gets out and says, "Aw, what's the matter little girl?"

She points off the cliff, and at the bottom is the family car, burning with everyone inside, all mangled and dead.

The man unbuckles his pants and says, "Little girl, today just ain't your day."

My ex died today.

I also lost my job as a butcher.

Today was no fun. A rhino escaped from the zoo and ate two parents, and I lost my job as zookeeper.

I was dying when I called my sister and she said, "Hi, this is Pepperoni's pizza and abortion clinic; your loss, our sauce. How may I help you today?"

I bullied a handicap today.

What is he gonna do? Stand up for himself?

Today sucked. My friend fell off a cliff, and I went to jail.

I was given my electronics test today. Turns out it was given to me 'cause I have the same name as someone who got 54/59. I actually got my hopes up, too.

I tried to catch fog today. I mist.

I thought today was going to be a good day when I woke up this morning. But then I got to the store and they said they were out of rope.

I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire today.

Now they call him Hot Wheels.

Funny thing happened today, my dad came home from work which is weird cause he’s a suicide bomber.

I asked my friend, "Hey, did you get a haircut?" and she said, "No." Then I'm like, "Really? Then why are you bald today?"

My grief counselor died today. He did such a great job. I don't even care.

If someone calls you, reply with this: “Hi, this is Dave’s orphanage and pizzeria, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I assist you today?”

One day a Chief was talking to his son... "Son," the father said, "Long ago the Woman didn't have anybody to take her to BINGO. So, the Creator put the Woman to sleep and cut off her butt cheeks and made her a Man. That's why today Indian Women have no butt, and the Men are called Buttheads!"

The tent pole is up, The canvas is spread, The hell with breakfast, Come back to bed.

Take the tent pole down, Put the canvas away, The monkey had a hemorrhage, No circus today.

A depressed kid was stuck on a tree, and a man saw the kid.

Man: "Hang in there! I'm gonna get some help!"

Two minutes later, the kid literally did what the guy said.

RIP Daniel Kyre from Cyndago (July 6, 1994-September 18, 2015)

Daniel committed suicide five years ago today......