Time

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The future, the present, and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

I named my refrigerator Oicurmt, because every time I look in, I say, "O I C, U R MT."

Last time I talked to my girlfriend, she was yelling at me to put the hammer down.

Kids, next time you have school dinners, make sure you have something you actually like so you don't have to shove all your food over to one side of the plate to make it look like you've eaten more than you actually have.

A 6-year-old told the class the first time she got AIDS. The teacher listened. She said she scraped her knee. The girl was sent to an asylum. When she got out, she was 20. She had AIDS.

A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"

The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".

The man asks, "Ten what?"

Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".

My wife told me to give her 8 inches, so I had to have sex with her 4 times and punch her in the nose.

So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane," and his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?" The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."

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    • A cowboy rides into a ranch on Sunday, stays three days, and leaves on Friday. How is this possible?

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    • Fruit is like life. You slowly eat it away as it slowly also begins to rot like everyone I’ve known.

    It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

    It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

    When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

    Kate: Can we have a threesome?

    Trevor: Sure.

    The lights go off and Trevor starts doing what he's supposed to be doing, and then he feels something going up his back end. He goes to punch the person behind him, but then he turns on the light, and it was Kate behind him, and he's been fucking the guy the whole time.

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    How do make an adult cry?

    Stab him 10000 times until the floors are red with human blood.

    So I was in the car with my mom one time and we always joke about me being adopted (I am not), and Michael Jackson's song "Billie Jean" sounds like my name, and so my mom says, as the song is playing, "(My name) is not my daughter, she's just a girl who claims that I am her mum." Wow. *applauds for mother* Love you momma =)