This jokes

One day, a girl was showering with her mom. She pointed at her mom's breasts and asked: "When can I get these?" Her mother replied: "In about 6 to 7 years when you grow up :)".

The other day, the girl's showering with her dad, and she pointed at his penis and asked: "When can I get this?" Her dad looked around and replied: "In about 20 minutes when your mom leaves the house."

Used to laugh at Michael Jackson for wearing gloves and a mask...

Yet here I am, stuck at home in this COVID-19 "Thriller," beating it...

Call of Duty kill cam be like.

This is the best kill streak ever!

"Sir, we noticed a 2-year gap in your resume."

"That was when I went to Yale."

"A Yale man? Well, you're hired!"

"Thanks! I really need this yob!"

What did one gay sperm say to the other? "You think we’ll find the egg and all this shit?"

Do trees pee?

How else do we have No. 1 pencils?

My entire family "TAKE THIS GIRL TO AN ASYLUM!!!"

Me "OH NO" 💀

What do you call a rich Chinese person? Cha-ching!

Ask Siri what rich North Koreans are there.

Siri: "I could not find anything for this question."

I was playing football and this guy comes to me, he was in a wheelchair.

We started playing rocket league.

Your friend walks up to you and shows you a picture of an overweight woman.

What would you rate this woman?

A 7.

Why?

Because 7 ate 9!

My girlfriend left me for spending my own money. I buy this bitch thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of stuff, but I spend 100 dollars on a prostitute, she leaves me.

What did the kamikaze instructor say to the students?

"Okay guys, watch very carefully because I can only show you this demonstration once."

Hey, my grandfather was part of WWII. Yeah. He killed Hitler!

The IRS hates when you don't have to pay your taxes with this one mind-blowing trick.

Uh, six teachers are annoying. Thank God I am not getting picked on at school or on this website.

I'm reading this book in braille right now, and I know something's gonna happen, I can just feel it.

I tore up my homework, but then I replaced it with this copy. It may look like it, but trust me, it's different! The answers ARE RIGHT, better than left!

I went to my sister's room one day. I saw a trophy, so I asked my sister how she won it. My sister said the neighbors gave it to her because she gave out the best hand jobs in the neighborhood. I guess my sister put her hands to good use.

I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”

And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.

An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests.

The painting depicts Lenin's wife naked in bed with Leon Trotsky.

"But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" asks one of the guests.

"Lenin is in Poland," replies the painter.

So who did it? the I.S.S. teacher said.

1 hour before:

So let me get...

Random person: Wait, what? You BROKE UP WITH HER!

Me: I SWEAR, JHONNY, THIS IS THE 3RD TIME YOU BUTT INTO MY CONVERSATION! SO... HERE... YOU... GO! *punches*