Things jokes
Why are carpenters never horny after work?
Because they’ve already spent all day getting hammered and nailing things.
Doctor: I have bad news.
Man: What?
Doctor: There are two things wrong with you. First, you have cancer.
Man: Oh, no...
Doctor: Second, you have Alzheimer's.
Man: Well, at least I don't have cancer!
What is the only thing lesbians know how to grow? Cucumbers.
In India, 3 things are wide and far everywhere, but no one admits: racism, sexism, and Sunny's jism.
Would you rather listen to Justin Bieber or die in the slowest and most painful way possible?
They're the same thing.
Listen, Man United might not thank me but get the contract out, put it on the table. Let him sign it, let him write whatever numbers he wants to put on there, given what he's done since he's come in. Ole's at the wheel, man. He's doing it. He's doing his thing. Man United are BACK.
Me: I am the second worst thing that happened to these orphans.
Friend: What was the first?
Me: They- they weren't always orphans.
Friend: O-O
What's the most difficult thing about being a pediatric surgeon?
Keeping the scalpel steady while masturbating.
I made a website for orphans. The thing is, there was no homepage.
Today was like every other day. It was so terribly long and so terribly dreary. I fear these feelings will never end. I’ll always feel so dark, feel so hopeless. Sometimes all I want is for it to end. For all of it to end, for all of my thoughts to end. I despise the way that always comes to mind. But I feel so lost, feel so hopeless. If something would just work. But nothing has worked. Nothing can fix this. These feelings will pass. These days won't feel so endless... or so absolutely heavy. Just give it some time. Just give it some hope... and some belief. The ‘happy pills’ will work. The doctor says they'll help... they'll help it go away. Just dump the pill in your hand. Let yourself place the little white thing on your tongue... Let yourself throw your head back and swallow. It'll make this better. It should make me feel better.
Everything has changed! The world is so bright— The world is so loud! I don’t know how I never noticed! The sun is so warm— The grass is so green! I feel so awake! I feel so content— I feel so happy! It’s so strange! I’m not anxious— I’m not overthinking! I guess those pills really worked! I think I’m really getting better— I think I’m really going to be happy!
Orgasm means two things:
1. During you masturbate.
2. You torture phantoms.
If you have a teacher who is a Karen, comment what the worst thing that they did to you or your entire class. I know this isn’t a joke, but why not?
Jesus stinks so bad he killed all living things in Heaven.
It's illegal to go onto someone's property, demand money that they might not have while wearing all black, and threaten horrible things if they don't pay.
But when the IRS does it, it's perfectly fine. HMMMMM . . .
Funny thing is, dead women can't say no...
"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.
But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
Why do emo people want to be called scene now? The only thing I've seen from them is their suicide rate climbing.
You know what would be the best last thing to say before you die? "No, you certainly can't." JFK's assassin certainly can!
"What's 9 + 10?"
"21" (lol XD)
Also:
"My name Jeff" (Roar XD)
One more thing:
Ninja has ligma.