Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
What’s one thing you can say during a wedding and in bed?
I didn’t know we were having seafood tonight!
What’s one thing you can say during family dinner and in bed?
"Will there be seconds?"
The last thing I said to my dog was,
"Play dead."
What do emos and ninjas both have in common? They both hide and cut things.
My grandmother made her passage on the Titanic. The ship was not the only thing that went down.
What is the only thing worse than being told you're adopted?
Still being in the orphanage at 13.
The only thing they can see are their chopsticks.
People have been telling me that you can get things for free now.
The other day I saw a sign saying "FREE PALESTINE."
What's the worst thing to happen to a Japanese person in WW2... being drafted as a kamikaze pilot, or existing with a Fat Man or Little Boy?
How did people bully Helen Keller? They said, "Wow, that was the coolest thing ever! You really should have seen it!"
What is the best thing about being back?
Free bullets.
Why do orphans like stealing things?
They wanted to have company.
You're so fat, the only thing you could be for Halloween is the Kool-Aid Man.
What’s the best thing about making out with dead girls?
They can’t say no.
My dad died in 9/11, and that was the second worst thing that happened to me with a plane, next to Soul Plane.
Me as a 5-year-old: How do you relate to the Twin Towers?
Friend: What?
Me: Every time I think of them, I feel sad.
Knock knock.
Who's there? Discord server.
Discord server who?
This server is dead, bye bitches, I got better things to do than watch you sit here and type like a sloth.
I told a seal a joke, it went like this: "Why did the kid cross the playground?" He said, "Why?" I said, "To get to the other slide." And then he said, "That's the sealiest thing I've ever heard!"
One day the mailman came to drop the mail off, then he asked if I could use the bathroom. I said yeah. The thing is, my mom was coming out of the shower naked, and when she opened the door, it was me and the mailman.
Now, when the mailman sees me, he says to me, "We got something in common, we both saw your mom naked."
