Things jokes

Today, there was a big test for Little Timmy. During the test, Timmy had to take a really huge shit. So, he rushed to the bathroom. He took a while in there.

When he was done, he realized there was no more toilet paper left. Since there was nothing around him to use, the only thing he could do was wipe with his hand. His time in the bathroom was up, and he needed to finish that test! He didn’t have time to wash his hands. So, he hurried back. The problem was, the hand he wiped with was his right hand. He used his left hand to complete the test, which made him fail. When he got home, his mother was standing there crossing her arms. “Timmy, the teacher had called and said you wrote sloppy on your test. Why is that?” Timmy replied, “Oh, it’s because I caught a leprechaun with my right hand, but if I opened it, my classmates would scare him away, so I had to use my left.” Timmy’s mother glared at him with disbelief. “Timmy, I don’t believe you. Now open your hand!” Timmy did so and opened his hand. “See, mother? I said you’d scare the shit out of him!”

Christopher and Tony were tempted for a beer, but they only had 2 dollars each.

Christopher got an idea and ran away to the butcher to see if he could get something good. He came back with a sausage. So they went to a pub and ordered 2 beers and 2 whiskeys.

"Are you crazy?!" said Tony to Christopher. "We don't have any money!"

"Take it easy now," said Christopher. "I have a plan."

When they finished drinking everything up, Christopher put the sausage through his own zipper and begged Tony to bend on his knees and take the sausage with his mouth.

The bartender saw what they did and threw them out without even paying. So Christopher and Tony kept doing the same thing pub after pub after pub.

After the 10th pub, Tony said: "I can't do this anymore. I am drunk, and my knees are in too much pain to even handle the walk."

"How do you think I feel?" said Christopher, exhausted. "I dropped the sausage in the 3rd pub!"

Why do orphans like stealing things?

They wanted to have company.

How did people bully Helen Keller? They said, "Wow, that was the coolest thing ever! You really should have seen it!"

What is the best thing about an 18-year-old girl in the shower?

Slick her hair, she looks 15.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.

They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

What’s one thing you can say during family dinner and in bed?

"Will there be seconds?"

What’s one thing you can say during a wedding and in bed?

I didn’t know we were having seafood tonight!

Guys, I promise I’m not suicidal, I just like dark things.

*proceeds to walk around the house with headphones in and stare at the ceiling while laying down on the couch*

My grandmother made her passage on the Titanic. The ship was not the only thing that went down.

What do emos and ninjas both have in common? They both hide and cut things.

What is the only thing worse than being told you're adopted?

Still being in the orphanage at 13.

You're so fat, the only thing you could be for Halloween is the Kool-Aid Man.

The CCP should be pleased. COVID is the longest thing to have ever been made in China.

What's one thing you'll never find in lost and found?

Your dad.

I done a thing where we have chat hangouts with people that like Gwen or just want to hang out, do stuff.

All people are invited!

We have a lot! Enjoy!

What's the worst thing to happen to a Japanese person in WW2... being drafted as a kamikaze pilot, or existing with a Fat Man or Little Boy?

The only thing they can see are their chopsticks.

People have been telling me that you can get things for free now.

The other day I saw a sign saying "FREE PALESTINE."

The last thing I said to my dog was,

"Play dead."