Thing jokes

"I'm sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

What do dino nuggies and the brown M&M have in common?

I want to fuck them both.

I ain't f***ing with you, there's 1 million things I'd rather f***ing do.

Same old boring ass day, until a person with Parkinson's fainted and got everyone's attention.

He really shook things up today.

What’s the best thing about midgets??

They don’t need to bend while giving blowjobs.

The only thing longer than the Great Wall of China is your hairline.

The best thing about an orphan? They don’t have to suffer from "your mama" jokes.

A computer usually has a HARD drive. LESSON. No wonder they remember things.

What was the last thing to go through Princess Diana’s head before she died?

The steering wheel.

Every time my grandmother and I were at a wedding, she’d say: “you’re next.” So I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.

What's the code thing on Minecraft that decides the world generation?

Seed?

Seedeeznuts!

Best thing ever right here.

So, there is this app on your phone called ringer. Go into it. There is a 12-15 digit number. Enter that into my phone, my dick will get 12-15 inches longer.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Covid.

Covid who?

The thing that killed half a billion people!

What is an orange?

World's only not rhyming thing. Hehhhehehehehhe.

What's the best thing about 23 year olds? There are twenty of them.

Why did the parachute break up with the skydiver?

Because it was tired of being taken for granted every time things fell apart.

A guy is walking down the street when he almost steps in something. He looks down and says, "Looks like shit."

He crouches down and smells it, "Smells like shit."

He sticks his finger in, tastes it, "Tastes like shit."

He then smiles and says, "Well, good thing I didn't step on it!"

20 years later

Johnny: Hey dad.

Dad: Yea?

Johnny: Fuck you, I ain't comin' back to your grave in 16 years, then ima come back, BITCH!

Dad: Doing the same thing I did to you and your mother, ay? I deserve it :( ;O not real...NOT A FUCKING ALL.

Johnny: Yea you kinda fucking do.

Dad:...

Hi, this is a good prank I did.

So, my brother LOVES his phone and so... I put it in the toilet and then flushed it, but it wouldn't go down. So, then I gave it to him and he threw it and then it broke. HAHAHAHAHAHA

(Prankster, tell me if you don't like me doing pranks because it is your thing.)

Bye guys! I hope you liked this prank! (And his phone did not really break, it just cracked really bad lol)

So my ex, who wouldn't leave me alone because she thought I was the best person in the world even though Will has a better haircut than me, but anyway, when we broke up she said I was the worst person she ever met, and I told her she looks like a cross between a beaver and a mole rat.

Then I told her she has the Wendy's logo haircut and then some other things I'm not gonna say. 2 years of bullshit, I was done.

Anyways, she cried lol.