Thing jokes
Me: I am the second worst thing that happened to these orphans.
Friend: What was the first?
Me: They- they weren't always orphans.
Friend: O-O
Why didn't the orphans stay at the park for days? Because they had no one to pick them up.
What's an orphan's best friend? A boomerang because it's the only thing that ever came back.
Friend: How's it going?
Me: Good, things are good!
Parent: How are you?
Me: Oh, I'm fine!
Twitter: Compose new tweet?
Me: Hellooooo, I would like to tell you about my anxiety & my current greatest fears & let's talk about the impending apocalypse while we're at it.
You know, having an uncle is a good thing sometimes! I get a pair of shoes every week. He says it’s my reward for playing the tickle game with him in his damp and dark basement. It hurts sometimes. But hey, new shoes!
One thing led to another, now I have a new patio.
Memes
Why is my sister so annoying? Because put your own thing in.
I'm in a wheelchair, right, so I've tried everything but one stand up.
It didn't work.
The Twin Towers traded planes with Afghanistan. The only thing is Afghanistan got scammed.
A lot of things changed when I got my girlfriend pregnant: my name, my address, and my phone number.
I'm sorry and I apologize mean the same thing, except at a funeral.
When someone throws something at your forehead, it stops moving and goes into orbit around your forehead.
Two emos are dating, and the most romantic thing they have ever done is slit each other's wrists.
I tried my best using phone sex online, but the thing about it is the holes cannot fit through.
"What's 9 + 10?"
"21" (lol XD)
Also:
"My name Jeff" (Roar XD)
One more thing:
Ninja has ligma.
Girl: Come over.
Orphan: I can’t.
Girl: My parents aren’t home ;)
Orphan: Just two things I don’t have.
My ex misses me, good thing she'll never hit me.
I'm doing something Stephen Hawking can't do... pressing "I'm not a robot."
Life is a bitch, and people make it worse.
This thing that I'm in ("am") is a forsaken curse (beta).
When your girlfriend says it is too small, you say, "Just enjoy the small thing."
Nothing is lost until Mom can't find it.