Thing jokes

Friend: How's it going?

Me: Good, things are good!

Parent: How are you?

Me: Oh, I'm fine!

Twitter: Compose new tweet?

Me: Hellooooo, I would like to tell you about my anxiety & my current greatest fears & let's talk about the impending apocalypse while we're at it.

Three Things I Want For Christmas From Santa:

1. A Lambo

2. A House

3. UR MOM

Last post for today, but I had to say one more thing! Tomorrow I am going to Six Flags, and I am literally so excited! It is going to be so much fun. Hope you guys have a good MLK JR. day! Woohooo!

What is the only thing lesbians know how to grow? Cucumbers.

What's an orphan's favorite toy?

A boomerang because it's the only thing that comes back.

I tried my best using phone sex online, but the thing about it is the holes cannot fit through.

Things you say before sex, Disney addition:

"Have you seen my Mouseketool? Oh, Toodles!"

Girl: Come over.

Orphan: I can’t.

Girl: My parents aren’t home ;)

Orphan: Just two things I don’t have.

A man from Brooklyn is arguing with an Englishman. He says things like,

"It's an elevator, not a lift!"

and

"It's a bathroom! Not 'washroom'!"

He keeps going on until the Englishman says,

"Hey wanker, it's a school, not a god damned shooting range."

This rat did the most amazing thing ever; it was pretty radical, dude.

My ex misses me, good thing she'll never hit me.

My boyfriend is just like a sexy nerd and I still have to ask him things like that because I'm so distracted from him.

I'm doing something Stephen Hawking can't do... pressing "I'm not a robot."

"What's 9 + 10?"

"21" (lol XD)

Also:

"My name Jeff" (Roar XD)

One more thing:

Ninja has ligma.

Life is a bitch, and people make it worse.

This thing that I'm in ("am") is a forsaken curse (beta).

Me: I am the second worst thing that happened to these orphans.

Friend: What was the first?

Me: They- they weren't always orphans.

Friend: O-O

The Twin Towers traded planes with Afghanistan. The only thing is Afghanistan got scammed.

Why is my sister so annoying? Because put your own thing in.

I'm in a wheelchair, right, so I've tried everything but one stand up.

It didn't work.

Hello everyone! I just came back! How are things going?