Thing jokes
Why didn't the orphans stay at the park for days? Because they had no one to pick them up.
What's an orphan's best friend? A boomerang because it's the only thing that ever came back.
Friend: How's it going?
Me: Good, things are good!
Parent: How are you?
Me: Oh, I'm fine!
Twitter: Compose new tweet?
Me: Hellooooo, I would like to tell you about my anxiety & my current greatest fears & let's talk about the impending apocalypse while we're at it.
You know, having an uncle is a good thing sometimes! I get a pair of shoes every week. He says it’s my reward for playing the tickle game with him in his damp and dark basement. It hurts sometimes. But hey, new shoes!
Two emos are dating, and the most romantic thing they have ever done is slit each other's wrists.
A lot of things changed when I got my girlfriend pregnant: my name, my address, and my phone number.
I can now cross it off my bucket list
I'm sorry and I apologize mean the same thing, except at a funeral.
The Twin Towers traded planes with Afghanistan. The only thing is Afghanistan got scammed.
When someone throws something at your forehead, it stops moving and goes into orbit around your forehead.
One thing led to another, now I have a new patio.
Me: I am the second worst thing that happened to these orphans.
Friend: What was the first?
Me: They- they weren't always orphans.
Friend: O-O
Things you say before sex, Disney addition:
"Have you seen my Mouseketool? Oh, Toodles!"
I tried my best using phone sex online, but the thing about it is the holes cannot fit through.
I walked in on my little sister when she was naked.
The thing I have to say is that my little sister is a big sister with big tits & ass with juicy lips upstairs & downstairs. I say whoever is going to be my brother-in-law is going to be a very happy person.
The only thing funnier than the shooting of that healthcare CEO is imagining the look on his wife's face when she got the hospital bill.
I have a pussy. It's very hairy. It has a long thing sticking out of it. It's also very hair. My hairy pussy meows and purrs.
When a Muslim dies, he gets 72 virgins.
It's the same thing with priests, except the virgins are children.
What’s the worst thing about having a daughter with cancer? You can’t pull on her hair.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, flags big plus.
There are 3 things wrong with this world.
1. Spelling
2. Maths.
Some moving men had just begun their day's work.
The first thing they brought into the house was a huge couch.
The owner came in and asked how everything was going. They replied, "Sofa so good."