Thing jokes
What did one tree say to another in a crisis? Don't leaf me when things get bad.
What do a stool and an emo have in common?
They both sit still.
I’m on top of things. Would you like to be one of them?
What would be a pet's favorite thing to click on on this website?
Cat-egories.
Get it?
Why are carpenters never horny after work?
Because they’ve already spent all day getting hammered and nailing things.
When you when, the when at, when with you know, the you, you, that you ever, when... you dont know whats going on.
I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above.
It's my New Year's resolution.
An American mother has 3 children. The first child asked his mum: "Why is my sister called Crazy Horse and my brother Rushing Water?"
Mum: "Because those were the first thing I saw after i gave birth to them. Why are you asking all these questions, two dogs fucking?"
One day, inexplicably, my talking parrot started insulting me. He called me an idiot, a fool, a jerk, stupid, and a variety of other nasty names. I warned the squawker to cease, but to no avian avail. Fed up, I finally flipped the foul-mouthed feather-brain into the freezer...but after about 15 seconds, I relented and let him out.
"I'm so sorry," he declared! "I don't know what came over me, and realize I shouldn't have said those terrible things. I hope you can forgive me, and I promise never to do it again! By the way...what did the chicken do?" 🐔😂
What was one cool thing about Hitler?
He used to paint his thoughts on the wall with a gun.
What is the weirdest thing to wear and what is the weirdest thing to say?
Weirdest thing to ware: Socks with sandals, also with flip flops!
Weirdest thing to say: "Would you rather be a bath or a toilet?" "The blue angel sea slug looks like an alien." (weird).
Bonus: Things to ware with other things: Crop top with t-shirt (really hip), Crop top with tights or shorts, dresses with tights! (Cool) Oh well byeeeeeee!
So, Dora is having a sleepover with her cousin Diego at Dora's house. Later that night, Dora's mom hears someone screaming, "Go Diego go!" for at least a couple of minutes, and then it stops, and she goes back to sleep.
But then she hears the same thing a couple of minutes later, so she walks in and hears "Go Diego go!" She walks over to Diego's sleeping bag and looks, and it's empty, so she walks over to Dora's sleeping bag and looks in and sees Dora getting f
... by Diego and hears Dora saying, "Go Diego go!" while moaning.
I hate these double standards.
Burn a body at a crematorium and you're doing a good thing, burn a body at home and you're destroying evidence.
Q: What’s the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl?
A: You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.
Orphans and homeless people are the same thing.
What was the last thing to go through the terrorist's mind? The detonator.
What was the last thing that went through the 9/11 jumpers' heads?
Their ankles.
Why can't all orphans learn about ancient Egypt? Because they don't know what a mummy is.
I was raped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.
My boyfriend thinks he’s hilarious.
Him: How do you break things?
Me: You break things up.
Him: Okay.
Me: Is everything okay?
Him: We’re a twig. We’re breaking up.
Hey, do you remember that dragon thing?
Draggin' these balls across your face.