Thing jokes

Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, “Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, Daddy came in with the lady next door, and they started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off Daddy’s clothes, and Daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of Daddy and started...”.

The mother cuts him off and says, “Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me.” A couple hours later, the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face, shouting, “I’m leaving you... Go ahead, Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier.” Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. “Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door, and you both started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off your clothes, and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing Mom did with Uncle Joe last summer.”

As a son, I was starting to do pranks. I told my mom’s boyfriend that she cheated on him and she doesn’t want to be with him anymore, and I told him that my mom said that he had a small penis. He left my mom, and she was mad at me. I thought it was funny.

Then I told my friend’s girlfriend that he cheated on her with another girl, and the girl told me that my friend had a small penis. He found out and wanted to confront me in my house. I wasn’t home. My friend told my mom what happened. Then my mom said the same thing happened to me. I came home one day, I saw my mom giving my friend a blow job. I asked what’s going on. My friend told me, "Your mom is my new girlfriend," and my mom said, "This is the penis of my dreams."

What's the same thing between a baby and a grenade?

They both make a sound when thrown.

What's the last thing Asians hear from their parents?

"My money is my money. Your money is my money. Your wife's money is my money. Always remember that, son."

What's the second worst thing to happen to orphans?

They can't have sex.

"Why?"

Because they don't have anyone to call mommy or daddy.

What's the best thing about Switzerland? The flag is a big plus.

You need a good place to think? You can sit on my lap, and we’ll see the first thing that pops up!

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they can't change anything.

What's an orphan's favorite toy?

A boomerang because it's the only thing that comes back to it.

What do a stool and an emo have in common?

They both sit still.

What would be a pet's favorite thing to click on on this website?

Cat-egories.

Get it?

What did one tree say to another in a crisis? Don't leaf me when things get bad.

I’m on top of things. Would you like to be one of them?

Person: You suck!

Me: Tell that to your mom, and she’ll say the same thing, honey. 😎

The one thing I love about Steven is he stood up for all of his haters. Just kidding!

Why are carpenters never horny after work?

Because they’ve already spent all day getting hammered and nailing things.

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

What’s the best thing about an 18-year-old girl in the shower?

Slicker hair back she looks 15.

What is my favorite thing about my grandpa?

His life insurance.

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above.

It's my New Year's resolution.