Why are carpenters never horny after work?
Because they’ve already spent all day getting hammered and nailing things.
Thing Jokes
What's the best thing about Switzerland? The flag is a big plus.
You need a good place to think? You can sit on my lap, and we’ll see the first thing that pops up!
I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above.
It's my New Year's resolution.
What’s the best thing about an 18-year-old girl in the shower?
Slicker hair back she looks 15.
What's the second worst thing to happen to orphans?
They can't have sex.
"Why?"
Because they don't have anyone to call mommy or daddy.
What is my favorite thing about my grandpa?
His life insurance.
What's the last thing Asians hear from their parents?
"My money is my money. Your money is my money. Your wife's money is my money. Always remember that, son."
What's the same thing between a baby and a grenade?
They both make a sound when thrown.
Person: You suck!
Me: Tell that to your mom, and she’ll say the same thing, honey. 😎
The one thing I love about Steven is he stood up for all of his haters. Just kidding!
An American mother has 3 children. The first child asked his mum: "Why is my sister called Crazy Horse and my brother Rushing Water?"
Mum: "Because those were the first thing I saw after i gave birth to them. Why are you asking all these questions, two dogs fucking?"
One day, inexplicably, my talking parrot started insulting me. He called me an idiot, a fool, a jerk, stupid, and a variety of other nasty names. I warned the squawker to cease, but to no avian avail. Fed up, I finally flipped the foul-mouthed feather-brain into the freezer...but after about 15 seconds, I relented and let him out.
"I'm so sorry," he declared! "I don't know what came over me, and realize I shouldn't have said those terrible things. I hope you can forgive me, and I promise never to do it again! By the way...what did the chicken do?" 🐔😂
What was one cool thing about Hitler?
He used to paint his thoughts on the wall with a gun.
What is the weirdest thing to wear and what is the weirdest thing to say?
Weirdest thing to ware: Socks with sandals, also with flip flops!
Weirdest thing to say: "Would you rather be a bath or a toilet?" "The blue angel sea slug looks like an alien." (weird).
Bonus: Things to ware with other things: Crop top with t-shirt (really hip), Crop top with tights or shorts, dresses with tights! (Cool) Oh well byeeeeeee!
So, Dora is having a sleepover with her cousin Diego at Dora's house. Later that night, Dora's mom hears someone screaming, "Go Diego go!" for at least a couple of minutes, and then it stops, and she goes back to sleep.
But then she hears the same thing a couple of minutes later, so she walks in and hears "Go Diego go!" She walks over to Diego's sleeping bag and looks, and it's empty, so she walks over to Dora's sleeping bag and looks in and sees Dora getting f
... by Diego and hears Dora saying, "Go Diego go!" while moaning.
I hate these double standards.
Burn a body at a crematorium and you're doing a good thing, burn a body at home and you're destroying evidence.
The annoying orange told the annoying, insecure, beta bitch orange that he wants to be the most annoying thing on Earth again.
What was the last thing that went through the 9/11 jumpers' heads?
Their ankles.
I was raped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.
