Thing jokes

What's the last thing Asians hear from their parents?

"My money is my money. Your money is my money. Your wife's money is my money. Always remember that, son."

What's the second worst thing to happen to orphans?

They can't have sex.

"Why?"

Because they don't have anyone to call mommy or daddy.

What's the best thing about Switzerland? The flag is a big plus.

You need a good place to think? You can sit on my lap, and we’ll see the first thing that pops up!

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they can't change anything.

What's an orphan's favorite toy?

A boomerang because it's the only thing that comes back to it.

What do a stool and an emo have in common?

They both sit still.

What would be a pet's favorite thing to click on on this website?

Cat-egories.

Get it?

What did one tree say to another in a crisis? Don't leaf me when things get bad.

I’m on top of things. Would you like to be one of them?

Person: You suck!

Me: Tell that to your mom, and she’ll say the same thing, honey. 😎

The one thing I love about Steven is he stood up for all of his haters. Just kidding!

Why are carpenters never horny after work?

Because they’ve already spent all day getting hammered and nailing things.

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

What’s the best thing about an 18-year-old girl in the shower?

Slicker hair back she looks 15.

What is my favorite thing about my grandpa?

His life insurance.

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above.

It's my New Year's resolution.

An American mother has 3 children. The first child asked his mum: "Why is my sister called Crazy Horse and my brother Rushing Water?"

Mum: "Because those were the first thing I saw after i gave birth to them. Why are you asking all these questions, two dogs fucking?"

One day, inexplicably, my talking parrot started insulting me. He called me an idiot, a fool, a jerk, stupid, and a variety of other nasty names. I warned the squawker to cease, but to no avian avail. Fed up, I finally flipped the foul-mouthed feather-brain into the freezer...but after about 15 seconds, I relented and let him out.

"I'm so sorry," he declared! "I don't know what came over me, and realize I shouldn't have said those terrible things. I hope you can forgive me, and I promise never to do it again! By the way...what did the chicken do?" 🐔😂

What was one cool thing about Hitler?

He used to paint his thoughts on the wall with a gun.