Thing jokes

Russian history in 5 words: "And then things got worse."

I was raped by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

What does a girl want more than anything in the world?

Nothing. She's fine.

My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

What was the last thing going through the minds of the people who jumped out of the buildings during 9/11?

Their ankles.

The thing I don't like about shopping centers...

When you see one, you've seen a mall.

I don't trust atoms.

They make up everything.

What is the second hardest thing in the morning?

Getting up.