Thing jokes
A man and a giraffe walk into a bar. The man orders a beer, one for him and one for the giraffe.
After they finish their drinks, the giraffe falls over, and the man gets his stuff and heads for the door.
The bartender says, "Stop! You can't leave that thing lying on the floor!"
The man says, "Mate, that's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
What did the homeless person get for Christmas?
- Nothing.
Q: What's a pedophile's favorite thing about Halloween?
A: Free delivery.
Muslims love to exaggerate, that's why they always blow things up.
What did Tennessee do?
The same thing Arkansas did.
What's the best thing about abortion jokes? They never get old.
I've just started reading my first ever Braille horror story, and I think that something scary is about to happen. I can feel it.
What's the best thing about 28 year olds?
- There's 20 of them.
As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing. Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.
Why is Stephen Hawking a bad role model? -- He doesn't stand for anything.
What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? -- Well, the flag is a big plus.
Russian history in 5 words: "And then things got worse."
I was raped by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
What does a girl want more than anything in the world?
Nothing. She's fine.
My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
What was the last thing going through the minds of the people who jumped out of the buildings during 9/11?
Their ankles.
The thing I don't like about shopping centers...
When you see one, you've seen a mall.
I don't trust atoms.
They make up everything.
What is the second hardest thing in the morning?
Getting up.