Thing jokes
A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”
He responded with, “The cat is dead.”
She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you have broken the news slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?”
“She’s playing on the roof.”
My mom is the jelly, and my dad is the peanut butter. And I am the bread, the only thing keeping them together.
What’s the best thing about fucking twenty-eight year olds?
There’s twenty of them!
We have life. I hope we have life. We have God in Jesus Christ. This is a good thing. It is a song part.
What's one thing gay people can't draw?
A straight line.
What's the difference between a feminist and a pig?
There isn't one; they are both the same thing.
My favorite thing to do in my free time is putting a large skewer on the front of my car and speeding through a school zone trying to make a kebab.
Son: “Mom, is there a thing called «friendship» between a man and a woman?”
Mother: “No Son, unless if he’s gay.”
Son: “So your friend is gay?”
Mother with herself: «How did he see me with michael omg if my husband discovered my cheating he will kill me»
Mother: “Mmm.. Yes.”
Father loudly: “YES!!!”
Mother: “What in the hell? Are you gay?”
Father with himself: «Am i an idiot why did i yell?! if she discovered I’m gay and her son was made by Paul’s semens she will kill me»
Father: “No what are saying? I’m just talking with myself.”
*A few hours later*
Mother: “I will go to visit my mother.”
Father: “Me too I will go to visit my mother.”
Son: “Not me too I will go to stud with my friends.”
The mother and the father goes to michael’s house and they found their son playing with Michael and Paul is recording them and saying: «that’s why I love you my actual son oh only if your mother knows».
*The End* :D
Girl: "Come over."
Orphan: "I can't."
Girl: "My parents aren't home ;)"
Orphan: "Just two things I don't have."
Do you wanna know the best thing about 28 year olds?
There are 20 8 year olds.
God: (creating elephants) Make it big.
Angel: How big?
God: As big as my d--
Angel: Whoa!
God: Fine, 10 feet tall.
Angel: That's big bu--
God: Put a long thing on its face.
No such thing as peados.... it’s all nonce-sense!
My friend died from an allergic reaction. He gave me an EpiPen while he was dying, so now I have something to remember him from.
What's the worst thing about eating a vegetable?
The wheelchair.
My dad told me I'm a failure.
I failed a math test.
Good thing there's a pole outside my house.
There was a math teacher on a plane that crashed. What was the last thing that went through their head? A pentagon! (9/11 joke)
This rat did the most amazing thing ever; it was pretty radical, dude.
What was the last thing on the minds of the 9/11 jumpers?
...
...
Their knees.
*Ba dum tss*
What was the last thing going through the minds of the 9/11 jumpers?
Their ankles.
What is a tree's favorite thing to drink?
Root beer.