They jokes

A pair of Newfies decide to visit Toronto. They drive through Nova Scotia, through New Brunswick, through Montréal, Kingston, Oshawa... then they see a sign that says "Toronto Left", so they turn back around and go home.

I complained to my landlord that carpenter ants were getting into the timbers. He was dismissive.

"They're Karen Carpenter ants, they don't eat much of anything."

Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god."

Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld."

Mother: "Yeah, I picked you up at the gift shop on my way out."

Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan."

I'm what they call a ✨️askhole✨️.

A person who will consistently ask for your advice and wisdom, but then proceed to do the exact opposite of what you say.

Did you hear about the tourist that came to New York? Good, because they were a terrorist... When they were asked why they were traveling, they just mispronounced it.

Which hole talks faster? Your mouth or your ass? Can't tell the difference because they both run shit at once.

I am so cool that even the fridge or a snowman would shiver his timbers when they see me :).

What do women and appliances have in common?

If they don't work, hit them until they work.

What do feminists do when they fail at something?

Blame men for sexism and misogyny.

Did you know that soccer fields aren't made of 4 million crayons? They are actually made from grass. :)

Did you know they made a porn site for pirates?

It's called Heavy Arrrrrrg.

I went to a handicapped comedy club, but all the jokes they told were special, and they didn't know a lot about stand-up at all.

What do Diddy and Turkish men have in common?

They both use lots of oil.

I want to be a pornstar. Even if I completely suck, they will still give me a firm raise.

Why do people use terms like "sucky" to mean that they don't like something?

If something "sucks," shouldn't that signify that it is at least good for one thing and will bring pleasure?

When they said sin was ugly to look at, I didn't know God would use you as an example.

They say people can have a sharp mind. Yours is like a dull knitting needle.

What do George Floyd and an astronaut have in common?

They both have very little air to breathe.

What do hockey players and cops have in common?

They both use sticks to hit something black.

How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They wait for it to turn itself in.