Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tail.
How does a fish always know how much they weigh? -- Because they have their own scales.
How do trees get online? -- They just log in.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?
All they said was, "Bach, Bach, Bach..."
Why are mountains so funny? -- Because they are hill areas.
Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
What do Japanese men do when they vote?
They have an erection.
How does NASA organize a party? -- They planet.
Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? -- Because they lactose.
They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well, they're not laughing now!
What is the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? -- American teenage girls get stoned *before* they have sex.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.
I was raped by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
I think my coworkers are gay. -- Every time I walk by, they mumble, "What an ass."
I walked into a room full of men masturbating. They all looked shocked when I didn't stop.
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? -- One. They are efficient and don't have humor.
Why do women have cleaner minds than men? Because they change theirs more often.
What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.
