There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night. The police told us to stay inside until they shot him.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common? They both want to get there before the hare does.
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. So, they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
Why is the lesbian lifestyle so expensive? -- They're always eating out.
... and they buy Rolexes for their neighbors, because they wanna watch.
Yo mama is so ugly, when she goes into a bank, they turn off the cameras.
A programmer and his wife.
She says, "We're out of bread. Please go to the grocery store and buy one. And if they've got eggs, get six."
After a while, he's back with six loaves of bread.
The wife asks, "Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?"
He replies, "They had eggs."
Why do the French eat snails?
They don't like fast food.
What do women, tornadoes, and hurricanes have in common? They all get the house.
Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands.
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can't drink and derive.
Why do Java Programmers wear glasses? Because they don't C#.
Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.
A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.
The physicist said, "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed."
The engineer said, "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong."
The programmer said, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"
How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb? - None, they declare darkness to be the new standard.
Why do midgets laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls.
Most people think an octopus has 8 legs.
Actually, they have 6 legs and 2 arms. How can you tell which are the arms?
Hit it on the head. The two that go up to the head when he says "Owwww" are his arms.
I tried having a three-way with two physicists, but they couldn't solve the three-body problem.
