They jokes
A pedophile lures a group of Houston Girl Scouts with "Hey girls, would you like some candy?" They all agree and follow him to his neighborhood. There he offers them some more candy and they follow him to his house. Once again he offers them candy to go in to his house. In the lounge he offers them candy to go to his room. As he leads them up the stairs one of them pipes up and says "God, I hope we get laid before we get diabetes."
Friends are like penguins.
If you stab a penguin, they die.
Heard Stephen Hawking is in a new movie and that the theme tune is absolutely banging. Think the opening line goes something like, “They see me rolling, they hating.”
So, some thieves robbed me the other day. They took everything I owned, except for the soap, towels, and deodorant.
Dirty bastards.
Why should you stay away from trees? - Because they wanna be leafed alone.
Donald Trump is making hospitals so poor that they are using kidney beans for their transplants.
Why are mountains so funny? Because they are so high!
Why do mountains go to sleep a lot?
Because they are high.
Why are orphans so bad at baseball?
They can never make it home.
I have fun going on them roller coasters that go really high up and sitting by random people, and once we get to the high point, I look at the stranger and go "wham" and unplug their seat belt.
Q: What’s the difference between a priest and McDonald’s?
A: Nothing! They both stick their meat in 10 year old buns.
What is the difference between a Rubik’s cube and a penis? I don’t know, but they both get harder the more you play with them.
How do Asians name their kids? They drop spoons and forks down the stairs. Chin Chan Chon.
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
Because they don't want to be mistaken as feminists.
How does NASA organize their parties? They planet.
The sad thing is when they ride the scooters in Wal-Mart... Really, you declining to walk is what got your fat ass in that scooter to begin with... And damned if they aren't buying diet soda... Please... cull this shit... We don't need them in society... KFC is not a disease.
What does Stephen Hawking have in common with a bull? They both charge.
I have good faith in the glue police. They usually stick to their word.
Why can't dinosaurs clap?
'Cause they are dead.
Why do pills work?
Because they are white.