They jokes
What happens when you throw an underage boy between two Catholic priests?
They fight and... You know the rest.
Why does a movie set say "break a leg"? Because they have a cast.
They told me I could never be an actor.
No one suspected me when they went missing the next day.
I love your mom and dad's joke! They made it together and called it your name.
Why can't bugs drive... because they don't have a LICE-ens...
BA-DUM CHHH!
Bosses are like seagulls.
They fly in, make a lot of noise, crap all over everything, then fly out.
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doctor, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!
What present can a pimp always buy his hoes to both show how much he thinks of them and know they can never get enough of?
Condoms!
Why are mountains very cold?
Because they are very cold.
What is similar about the feelings of a girl's birth daddy and her new pimp daddy?
They both worry about how she will turn out!
They say string theory is hanging on by a thread.
They laughed at my crayon drawing.
I laughed at their chalk outline.
What's the difference between a gun and my will to live? None, they are both absent.
What's the difference between a chicken and me? None, they both don't watch right and left before crossing the road.
Why do ducks have feathers? So they can cover their butt quacks.
In communist Russia there is no discrimination. White, black, African, American, British and Asian. They all go to Gulag eventually.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims of course, they went through 89 stories in only 5 minutes!
Why are all women's feet small? So they can stand closer to the stove.
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his driver (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
“I have an idea, boss,” his driver said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the driver's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The driver gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the driver fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my driver, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”
Girls are like volcanoes.
You never know when they will erupt.